When will this end?

by Mary

Hello everyone. I am turning 51 years of age this year and I must say that it was the most miserable year of all. I was sexually abused by a brother 11 years my senior. I believe that I was about three or four when it first started. It carried on until I was twelve. It stopped probably because he knew that I would be getting my period soon and I could get pregnant and then everyone would know, wouldn't they. So, it stopped and I remember thinking to myself, thank god, he is going to leave me alone. I grew up thinking about about how independant I wanted to be. I always wanted to live alone and have a great job and be good at everything. Well, I have never lived alone. I am divorced but I still have my child living with me. I am extremely independent. I don't count on anybody for anything. It's like I don't need anyone because remember, I'm independent. I am feeling lost, lonely and extremely sad. I am feeling the way I felt when I was a child all over again. The thought of being independent really comes from what I know best - how to be alone. When you are a child of sexual abuse, it is the most lonely feeling in the world and it never goes away.

My thoughts are with all you survivors.

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