This could be me
I became so engaged in reading your story because I could identify with so much of it. The constant inner turmoil between my head and my heart or feelings is what stands out. This can be an extremely uncomfortable, even painful process. I was just trying to explain it again to my therapist because sometimes he doesn't get the gap that exists between the two.
Feeling my feelings has been the most difficult thing I have ever tried to do. There are times when I still want to run away instead of feeling what I feel. But I am learning how to sit with my feelings, now after almost 4 years in therapy.
This was preceded by a stint in therapy years ago for another 9 years. My life has been filled with so much fear, emptiness, illness, surgeries, suicide attempts, and depression. Now I know why.
Just in the past four years have I begun to really heal at a deep level, and to really know what happened to me when I was growing up, which was in the 1950's and 60's. I am just starting to even consider the thought that I am not a bad, filthy person. I grew up in a home where my dad was hospitalized when I was two, and my mom abused me in many ways.
What has worked for me and proved the most healing experience of all is the therapeutic relationship I have with my therapist, and the attachment that has taken place because of his stability, warmth, safety, support, mutual goal setting, and deep affection. I am almost done with therapy, so the hardest parts of it I have already traveled. However, I already know that termination is going to be difficult and fill me with fear all over again.
If anyone has been through a successful termination after long term therapy, please share your experiences here. The problem is that my little girl fell in love with my therapist because he made her feel safe and secure, and sees him like a dad. The adult knows very well that the therapist is not my dad, and intellectually knows that termination is a normal part of therapy. However, my feelings feel like I have a deep affection for my therapist, and the little girl doesn't seem to understand why therapy will be over and she won't be seeing the therapist again.