The room in my mind.
It's time now. Time to tell someone, even, strangers, thru, cyberspace will suffice. They cannot judge me, like, I do. Its safe here! No one knows me, so my secret is safe. Why would I want to keep a secret anyway, I did no wrong, or did I? I am divided in two, part of me blaming self, the other, denying any involvement. What a way to live for sixty years of hell. Had a healing thru a dream, told one of the family members that I trusted, she yelled at me and called me a liar. Never spoke of it again.
So here I sit, on New Years day 2012, still holding onto the lies, the pain, the crap, tho he is dead now, some twenty years, he still has me locked in that room, in my mind. I am still a prisoner, with a history of sickness, twenty plus years of phobias and cigarette addiction, tho, the Doctor said...if you continue to smoke.....there is a % chance....
A chance of what, dying, from some disease, because I am trying to stop this pain. How dare he, ignore the bigger, life threatening disease of my mind. Cant he see, being in that room is killing me day by day. I wonder if anyone sees me in there. Cant they hear the sobs? Why hasn't someone asked, "where is she"? Why couldnt they see the different person, who walked out that door, now silent, head hung down, shame filled, no longer an A student, vibrant, creative, playful. Why didnt they ask, "what happened to you Nan?" Didnt they care enough or was I as invisable as I remain today.
I am so sad. I am so lost. I dont know my way back. I dont remember who I was. Would I recognize Nan? Who is she, what was she like? What flavor ice cream did she like? What was her favorite color? What did she think of as she lay her head on the pillow. Long forgotten now, replaced by nightmares, fears, phobias, addiction, worry, people pleasing, fear of abandonment, self-hatred, regrets, mistakes too numerous to mention. Why wasnt she given a chance to say, out loud, "Help me please". She is attempting now, so if anyone reads this, hears her, let me know...