Teen Daughter is Dating a Girl

by Laura
(Tampa, Fl. USA)

Help! I found out that my 13-year old teen daughter is dating a girl!


How do I handle this situation and is it normal? I gave my 13 year old daughter a cell phone for her birthday. I had her wait until well after her friends had their phones thinking I was making a better decision.

After an expensive "text" bill, I found out that she was texting someone "hundreds" of times per day. She lied about who it was, and when I looked into the matter myself, I found out that all the texts were to a girl and couldn't for the life of me figure out why she was not being truthful.

After many days of pressure on her to tell me the truth, she told me that she and this girl were "going out" even though this girl is someone she only sees at school, she has never been to our house, they do not talk on the phone, etc.

My daughter says that she likes boys and doesn't know why she likes this girl. She has changed her story from the girl pressured her, that it was a bet, to she liked a boy that this girl was always with ... she has lied so much about this that I don't know what is true and not.

I took the text option off her phone and have continued to monitor the phone numbers and calls. The only contact that she had with this girl was in class, so I thought it was over until I found a note dated last week about how much this girl "loves" her, wants to "be" with her forever, how amazing that my daughter is, etc.

I asked my daughter about the relationship/friendship and she told me that she only says hi in class. I told her about the note and that it didn't sound like it was just hi in class and confronted her about lying to me yet again about this situation.

I can't seem to get the truth out of her. I have even told my daughter from the beginning that all I want is the truth no matter what it is and that I would love her no matter what and that she could trust me but if this "girl" is getting her to do things she doesn't believe in... then I have a problem with that!

Do I just let the situation go or should I keep digging at her for the truth and continue to limit what she does and give her restiction until the truth is out and I get to the bottom of what is going on. This is something that I would have NEVER imagined that I would EVER have to deal with regarding my daughter.

Thanks for any input!
Concerned Mom

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Jan 19, 2012
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My Opinion
by: A Mom of a Teenager

My daughter is now 18yrs old. about 2yrs ago her father and I discovered that our daughter was dating another girl. First let me say that i truly believe there are signs that we as parents would see in our children as they grow up that would help us know if our children where interested in the same sex or not. My daughter and I have had a wonderful relationship, she has trusted me with everything all through the years, from boys, drugs, smoking friends issues etc...

She was afraid to tell us about the girl thing but we found out by her telling us one day. I flipped, i threw things, i yelled, i said things i shouldn't of and i cried. To me, she couldn't of told me anything worse! I started talking to her about things, why, how far have you explored, have you thought about the consequences ect..... after several days of talking with her, i decided that i am going to have to live with this. We love her and always will, no matter what, but this was going to be extremely hard to deal with. It will take time. She started to talk to me more about her relationship with this girl and i did my best to handle it as if it was with a boy. She eventually broke up with her. I just found out last night that she just broke up with another girl whom she has been dating for about 8 months now, it was her best friend. I kinda of expected it and confronted her a couple months ago but she said no, and i believed her. I am more upset now with her for lying to me when i confronted her than anything. she is 18, graduates this year and plans to go to college. Her father and I have given her tons of freedom, because she has always been such a good kid. she told me last night that she is scared of boys, there is something in her head that scares her. I just want to know how i can help her with this, should i get her counseling? I think after talking to her, that she worrys to much about the sex part of the relationship, i've told her to not worry about that and to just enjoy the time she spends with a guy and take one step at a time, but also, don't let anyone, girl or guy, pressure you into something you don't want to do.

My daughter confided in me about 3-4 years ago, that girls dating girls is nothing any more in the schools, you see it more and more, for the most part, these girls are just trying to figure it all out. I still believe that my daughter is not gay and will eventually find a nice guy and live happily ever after, but only time will tell.
To any parent that is just experiencing this issue with their child, my advice to you is to, take a deep breathe and remember you love this child and you can't make them be who you want them to be. Keep the communication open. Good Luck

Aug 10, 2009
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To the 15 year old!
by: Laura- the Mom

I have a feeling that if this girl is not "into girls" but says she likes you.... she probably really just thinks you are a great person and friend but wants you to know that she really does like you but only in the way of a great friendship.

She may feel like she will lose your friendship if she told you it was only friendship and doesn't know what to do about those extra feelings that you have for her.

There is also probably a part of her that is flattered by the fact that you like her.

Don't pressure her and just be a great friend... if you are wanting a "relationship" that is more than a friendship with another girl then... you probably want to seek someone else who is sure of what she wants and knows that she is also into girls as well.

I do feel that if you are then you know it and if not, then you know it! I may be wrong on this one, but that is what I advise at the moment.

Since the other girl is no longer pressuring my daughter and has moved on, there have never been anymore issues, talk, desires, etc... for my daughter with other girls besides just friends.

I feel that she did like this girl as a friend and didn't want to her hurt her feelings, lose the friendship that she had, etc.. I think that tells you something about that person: the care for your feelings and how they will make you feel unlike others who may call you a name or tell you to hit the road.

Good luck!
Laura

Aug 10, 2009
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you sound like a very good mommy
by: Anonymous

I am a 15 years old and am dating a girl from school. I feel I may be the one pressuring the other girl, she says she's straight, but also says she really likes me. Her parents recently found out we are dating and are pretty upset. They want us to break up :( I feel like such a life ruiner... but she says it's not my fault, but I know if she would have never met me, she probably wouldn't have liked a girl...

When I told my parents I was going out with a girl, they reacted the same way you did - they were worried about me. They would rather see me date a guy, but also know that it's my decision.

Feb 01, 2009
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Are your fears about sexuality or about sex?
by: Anonymous

If I were in your situation, I would be far more worried about my daughter actually experimenting with sex at such a young age rather than exploring ideas about sexuality. The ground rules for sex should be the same for any child that age, regardless of their preferences - and the reason for that is so they have time to sort out all the confusion that adolescence brings and make sure their choices are their own. I would convey that to your daughter, rather than your concerns about this particular situation.

Is your daughter aware of your personal beliefs about homosexuality? If so, I am sure she is incredibly conflicted, and unfortunately may feel she can't trust you. I would strongly suggest asking for help from a school counselor or other neutral third party.

Feb 01, 2009
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The Mom
by: Laura- the Mom

Thanks for your input..... it bothers me that she lied! Of course if I could pick for her to like a boy or a girl... I would pick a boy yet, I will love her and support who ever she likes even if its not my choice. My concern is how far do you support and how far do you go in the pro/con to her on the situation because I want her to know that I dont agree but at the same time feel that she should know that I will love her know matter what and think ok of her. Yet, if she is "on the fence" and really confused, I want to lead her in the "right" direction with out making her feel that I am shaming the fact for liking another girl if that is indeed what her choice is and not pressure from this girl. I feel as if I do one thing it will be bad, and the other it will be bad and need to find that fine line to walk that is the right choice. I just don't know where to find that line yet.

Thanks again....
concerned Mom

Feb 01, 2009
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Intrigued
by: Mechelle

You didn't specify, so I ask you which part of this situation bothers you the most; the fact that she's lying to you, or doesn't trust you enough to tell you the truth, or the lifestyle she is trying? Your daughter is probably aware that what she is doing is "socially unacceptable" and therefore tries to hide it. She may think so, but feel ashamed of herself for feeling that way. I would find out everything I could about this "friend", who her parents are and what their home life is like. It could be the other girl IS in a way pressuring her. I hope this helps some. Good luck.

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