struggling parent of a 4yr son and 13 yr old step son

by jo
(new zealand)

I am a 25 year old female. me and my husband have a 4 year old son together. my husband has a 13 year old son whom we gained custody of 3 years ago, after his mother couldn't cope with him and had a mental breakdown. his mother babies him.

firstly when L came to live with us he was obese, and had other eating and health problems. so the first year we spent overcoming these. I was the person pushing this as i was the one staying at home with the children. it meant daily exercise routine no matter what the weather and many tantrums on L's behalf.

in regards to eating, L only ate what he wanted. after much discussion, he would cry then put the food in his mouth and violently throw up across the dinner table.

the above issues have now been resolved.

the new problem is that i have issues with him because i really dont like him. however i need to make this work as he cant go back to his mother for safety reasons. and i think my 4yr has picked up on the negativaty towards his brother.

i need advise on how to treat him and what normal 13yrs-14yrs old are doing.
all this is made harder by the fact we live on a very small section and i dont want my 4yr old playing on the computer etc yet.

do how do i treat them equally/fairly and at the same time have age appropriate activities?

anyone who has been through this with some pointers, they would be hugely appreciated
thanks, jo

ps. my husband works away from home a lot so it's just me 80% of the time with the boys.

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