Stepson wants to spend summer on my couch with his gf!

by Kendra22
(SaltLakeCity, Utah)

I have a 21 year old stepson who is a real handful for the whole family. Until recently, he divided his time at his whim between his mom and his dad, who is my husband. It was annoying because it was always on his terms. He would come and go as he would please. Whenever he would have a problem at one home (usually involving me or his step-father), he would flee to the other until things calmed down.


Long story short, due to a series of ridiculous, manipulative and dramatic episodes fabricated entirely by him, I told my husband no more. My husband was forced to agree because he had really been that horrible- mainly towards me, trying to turn the whole family against me, self-harming and getting himself committed blaming me for everything possible. It was one giant attention seeking act and some of the other kids didn't know what to believe, thinking my husband and I had been horribly mean and unfair with him.

Everyone is aware of the truth now, but it caused quite a bit of damage to the family for quite a while. I have had a difficult time forgiving him and he never did apologize for his actions. He's the sick one so why should he? That's his attitude. And if I said boo to him I would be held responsible for whatever he did next, so I don't bother. I like who he once was, but I don't like who he has become, if that makes sense. We were once close, now I live in fear of whatever lies he may try to pin on me again. He burned me pretty badly.

Now SS lives full time with his mother (and her husband), who has similar emotional problems (surprise, surprise). He's not allowed to come and go anymore, which is a huge relief. He has a girlfriend who is surprisingly normal, so he is of course stable for now. He does work and she's in school, but on days off, they want to spend the whole day laying in our house! Eating my food, sprawling out on the sofa watching the big screen and having a good old time-probably using the guest bedroom with her when no one is around. It really bothers me that they just show up whenever they like and lay around literally all day and night. Neither one of them live here, but they like the comfort of our home much better. The other families have much less economically going for them, so I am sure this set up is much more to their liking. They were coming every weekend for a day, but I put a stop to that by being in their way, not cooking for them etc. So now they come when I am less likely to be around or have plans that would hinder their enjoyment.

My husband loves having his son around and feels encouraged by his improved attitude. During the week, I am practically forced to cook for them because I need to cook for my husband and daughter. The house is always full of food anyway because that is how it has always been and DH does a lot of shopping too, so I can't starve them out. I told DH that this showing up and laying around is BS and an invasion of my privacy. Recently they didn't leave until midnight from noontime! He thinks I am being picky. If I say something to SS directly I feel I would be out of my bounds. I always have DH discipline him. I just don't know how to handle this. I really prefer to not have to deal with them unless we invited them. Am I being selfish or unreasonable? If not, how do I handle DH?

Comments for Stepson wants to spend summer on my couch with his gf!

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May 13, 2016
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Oct 28, 2015
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Oct 19, 2015
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Oct 15, 2015
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Sep 30, 2015
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Just think about it NEW
by: Anonymous

I really understand how it irritates you and I think you are just a normal human and it would irritate every person being in your shoes. But you need sometimes to realise and to calm yourself down, that it is your husband's son and he loves him and wants to see him too as you see your daughter. So just think about it and you may also read some phsyhological articles on essaytrust.org

Sep 30, 2015
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Just think about it NEW
by: Anonymous

I really understand how it irritates you and I think you are just a normal human and it would irritate every person being in your shoes. But you need sometimes to realise and to calm yourself down, that it is your husband's son and he loves him and wants to see him too as you see your daughter. So just think about it and you may also read some phsyhological articles on essaytrust.org

Aug 17, 2015
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Jul 26, 2015
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Jun 17, 2015
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Mar 22, 2015
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Stepson causing conflict at home
by: Laura

You are not being selfish. I think that you should sit down with your husband eye-to-eye and explain that your job as parents (and step parents) is to help his son grow up and be a man who is responsible for himself and appreciative of others. For this to happen, some limits need to be put in place. If this doesn't happen, his son is never going to be completely independent, confident or happy with himself because he won't have to learn to be accountable, responsible and respectful of others' needs.

After you have your husband on board (because surely, he wants the best for his son and knows that in order for that to happen, he shouldn't continue to indulge his behavior), calmly express your needs: that you need to be respected in your home and you would love to have his son over if he could learn to respect your boundaries and help out during his visits.

Thank you for reaching out. Good luck.

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