Resentment for Stepchild

by Jen
(South Dakota)

My boyfriend and I moved in together 7 months ago; we both have children from relationships. He and I have been acquaintances for 5 years, so we both knew about our children when we got together.


We love each other very much, we want to get married, the problem is the kids. His youngest is 18 months old, he takes him 2-3 nights a week. I can't stand his kid. There is a lot of resentment between his mother and I, due to her lying to me about her sleeping with my boyfriend, and trying to get him back while we have been together.

I realize that is most of my problem with the child. However, I also have issues with the way my boyfriend treats the child. He spoils him beyond what I believe is healthy. The child whines and cries all the time, and to keep him quieter, my boyfriend holds him the entire time.

So the child has realized that he will pick him up if throws a big enough fit. It drives me insane! Worse, is the way he treats my 2 children who live with us full time. He dislikes my children and yells at me for not disciplining them because I don't like to spank them.

He treats them like they are the spawn of Satan, and I feel the same about his child. It seems like we should just give up, but we love each other and we want to be together. But we fight all the time about the kids. Especially my kids.

When his kid is here, we always get into blowout fights. I hate the way he acts like his kid is better than mine, and I don't know how I can get over my hatred of his son. We are starting family counseling in January, but I don't know what to do.

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Mar 10, 2010
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What the heck is your problem?
by: Anonymous

Can't believe you would use words like "hatred of his son" how can you HATE and 18 Month old baby? Your issue is with his FATHER and how he is raising him and you're being a child by taking it out on a BABY.

Apr 21, 2009
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resentment
by: Anonymous

Well you stated that you have been together for 5 years, but he has an 18 month old child. He obviously cheated on you. I think the resentment is with your boyfriend, not the child. You just find it easier to blame the child. If you are unable to forgive him for cheating ... the relationship will never work with or without the child involved.

Trust is a huge issue in many relationships. You have to be able to move forward and not bring up the time he cheated. He also has to respect you and your feelings with the mother of the child. The child is the innocent one in the situation. The child has no choice who its parents are ... please keep that in mind.

Dec 28, 2008
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Resentment for Stepchild
by: Laura Ramirez

Jen,

I understand your dilemma and as I said before, I appreciate your honesty because few adults would be willing to admit their resentment for a stepchild. You don't know how to get past your feelings, but at the same time, I can see that you realize how inappropriate, unreasonable and cruel it is to project your resentment onto an innocent child. Regardless of how your step child behaves, he is undeserving of your anger.

As I see it, your number one issue is with your boyfriend, which is why I recommend this relationship program. Even if he is unwilling to participate, you can learn the patterns that characterize your relationship and change his behavior by changing yours. This works because every relationship has a dynamic and when one person changes, the other is forced to change in response.

When you can learn how to talk honestly and openly with your partner about your feelings, rather than blaming, screaming or taking your resentment out on your step child, then you will create an opening for change. If you truly love this man and want to make this work, this program will show you how. The realizations that you'll have while watching it will make you cry and teach you some important lessons about yourself.

The program will also teach you how to present a united front to the world, so other people (like ex-wives and soon-to-be mothers-in-law) cannot come between you.

Once you and your boyfriend are on the same page about your relationship, then you need to set some house rules. This is particularly important for blended families in which the children have been raised with different sets of rules. Once everybody comes together as a blended family, there has to be an adjustment in the rules, so everyone can understand the limits in this new household and learn to work together and get along. This will make for a happy, loving and peaceful home.

There is a behavioral program that teaches you how to transform your children's behavior using techniques to motivate them, teach them how to treat others respectfully and excel at home and in school. It is perfect for parents who have kids who are out of control, tend to be angry, disrespectful, defiant or fight constantly. This program has saved many parents from pulling out their hair.

The key here is being open and willing to learn. Of course, first, you need to determine if you are willing to fight for this relationship, even if your boyfriend is not quite yet ready or aware enough to fight for it himself.


Dec 21, 2008
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resentment
by: Jen

Thank you for the advice Laura,the problem is I don't know HOW to get over my feelings about his child. We have been talking and argueing for months about the kids, and I have tried to set up household rules that apply to all the kids, and my boyfriend will only listen so far. His ex girlfriend, the mother, is a large part it, but I don't know how to deal with my feelings with it all. The child stayed the night again last night, and today I am getting to the point where I almost to ask him to move out because I can't stand the kid. I have been trying to deal with it and I'm just bottling it all up inside and it makes me angry with my boyfriend. Esspecially because he treats my children so differantly. I don't know what to do anymore! How do get over hating someone? Not just my feelings about child, but the ex? After all she did, I don't understand how he can be friendly with her it's beyond the child they share. After all the lies and much more has happened, how am I suppoused to forgive and forget?

Dec 21, 2008
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Doomed
by: Anonymous

My advice: RUN while you still can! If you are already having these problems, they will only get worse with time....even with counseling. It's a tremendous undertaking to try to live in this situation and ultimately it will hurt the kids. I'm just ending a relationship of 4 years that started out just as you described as yours....and the kids were put through hell because we thought WE were going to be different.

Spare everyone a lot of pain and each of you find partners you are more compatible with as far as parenting. This is a lose-lose situation.

Dec 21, 2008
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Resentment for Young Stepchild
by: Laura Ramirez

Jen,

You and your boyfriend need to grow up and resolve your issues before you get married. As I see it, here is what you need to do before you should even consider going forward with your marriage:

1)You need to get over your resentment of his child. Regardless of how the child behaves, you are simply using this as an excuse to take out your resentment for your boyfriend's ex wife on an innocent child. This is childish, unconscious, inhumane and downright cruel.

The child may cry around you and want to be held by his father because he's frightened of you and your resentment toward him. Although toddlers may not be able to identify your intentions, they can certainly feel them.

2)You and your boyfriend need to get on the same page about child discipline. If you have enabled your kids, rather than loving them while setting firm limits, then I recommend this because it will teach you step-by-step how to teach your children to behave. This will make for a peaceful, happy household.

3)You and your boyfriend need to learn how to work together for the common good of both your families. If you can't do this, there is no way that your relationship will survive and worse yet, your children will suffer greatly for your failure.

Keep in mind that people who love each other bring out the best in their partner, rather than making every little incident the opportunity for creating drama and tension.

That said, I also recommend this
relationship program. This will teach the relationship skills to keep your love fresh and satisfying. It will help you overcome old patterns that do not lend themselves to happiness in relationship. Obviously, with what you've told me, both of you need to work on this. As you do, your love and appreciation for each other will strengthen and you will learn what is needed to create a lasting bond.

Both of these programs can be used in the privacy of your home and are available on a trial basis. When compared with the cost of therapy, they will literally save you thousands of dollars.

Although I may seem a bit harsh in this email, it's because I am trying to give you a wake-up call. I do appreciate your willingness to reach out for help and hope you will follow up on my suggestions.

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