Resentment for my Boyfriend's Daughter

by Cyn
(Miami, FL)

I've been dating my boyfriend now for a little over 1 year. He was never married, but has a 3 year old daughter from a 4 year relationship. I also have 2 daughters, ages 2 & 5 from a failed marriage of 13 years.

He is a great guy and we bring out the best in each other. Our first year together has been wonderful. Our relationship is coming to a crossroads and we would like to take the relationship to that next level, but there are a couple issues I need advice on:

1.) I hate to admit it, but I have resentment for his daughter and can't really stand her. I look at her and all I see is his ex. His ex has been disrespectful to us in the relationship, but now that time has passed since finalizing their heated separation and child custody battle, things are much better between them. But my resentment, ironically, has been getting worst.

As a psychology major, I know this child is innocent and loving, but I can't find it in myself to accept her.

He is a wonderful father and that was one of the reasons I fell in love with him, but now it is a stumbling block in our relationship. We have such a great relationship that I've been able to talk to him openly about it.

He acknowledged that he had the same issues with my children at first, but he was able to overcome it by realizing that my children are not going anywhere and if the children are important to me, then they have to be important to him. It's a package deal he said...for you and for me.

He recently told me that I can't have him and not accept his daughter. HELP!! I don't want to lose him! What can I do to get over this issue?

2.) The other issue is in disciplining children. Him and his sister come from a military background where his Father was a strict disciplinarian. I am more laid back and believe in the "non-physical" and "quiet approach," while he doesn't have a problem giving a spanking and raising his voice when he feels it is necessary.

He has disciplined his daughter on several occasions when we have been together, but I just don't agree with that method. Ironically, I came from a home where my Mom didn't mind smacking us when me & my siblings got out of line.

His sister, also a disciplinarian, happens to have four well-mannered and well-rounded children. He refuses to discipline my children, but he has told me on several occasions that if there was ever a time when your daughter needed a good ass-whooping, it would be now."(I must admit, I happen to agree, but refuse this method).

If we do end up together, this is something that will obviously need to discussed. We want to have equal punishment across the board for all 3 of our children, and quite possibly our own child(ren) together and we do not want one child feeling like they are treated differently from any of the other. Any suggestions?

Thank you,

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Aug 27, 2010
resentment and discipline
by: Anonymous

I have the same issue with my boyfriend's daughter, 11. Resentment towards her simply because she is here sometimes. She is very much strong willed and has NO problems telling me that I'm not her mom that she doesn't have to listen to me...unlike your situation, my boyfriend's discipline techniques are opposite from yours, I'm the stand your ground parent, he is the benefit of the doubt do ruffle feathers parent.

I feel like when I'm being disrespected by his daughter, I'm also being disrespected by him, simply because of the fact that he CHOOSES to do nothing (or very little) to fix the problem.

I have gone out of my way to become a "friend" to his daughter...but my attempts at showing her any affection, love or acceptance...lead her towards searching for, yet again, the "negative attention."

Between the two of us we have 8 children. We came up with a chore sheet and a consequence sheet, agreed upon it and the discipline is clear and consistent...that has seemed to work some..there are the "discussions" about it, but over all that has worked for us. Maybe try something like that. I wish you luck.

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