Resentment About Bio Parent Neglecting Step Child

by Angela
(Virginia)

I'm a step mom to 3 boys. We have custody of 1 (the oldest) and the other 2 live with bio-mom. In a nutshell here are the issues -


1) Both younger kids teeth are rotten and decayed. My husband provides dental / health insurance but bio- mom's mouth is funky so she apparently doesn't care about the kids mouth either. Now not only do we have to pay for the insurance, but we are now to worry about their teeth and take them to the dentist here where we live (3 hrs away).

Sometimes it's hard to do so because money is tight and we already pay for the insurance and yet she assumes no responsibility for the financial portion of it (co-pay). It wouldn't be a big deal if we were wealthy- but we're not. We don't mind doing it cause it's for their well- being, but its frustrating because of the principal of it.

2. 8 yr old step son weighs 57 lbs. - HELLO!

3. youngest step son just learned to tie shoes - WE TAUGHT HIM. He's 8..( he should have learned this long ago)

4. Child is very very clingy and almost "overly" affectionate - to the point where you could be pouring boiling water from a pot and he wants to be picked up and held. (?) Picked up and held at 8 yrs old?) I think that's very infantile and abnormal.

5. Dad (my husband)is a great dad and very loving and affectionate - but he has serious doubts about paternity. I feel a little resentful towards the bio-mom because she has a history of very serious lies and manipulation. She lies about everything- even very small matters that don't require tall tales or "white lies"- it's almost pathological.

I feel she's neglecting the kids and now we're left to put them back together and fix her mess. I'm angry with her and the courts aren't much help. Social services has been called but everything, to them, just wasn't "bad enough" - I don't want to feel resentment towards the youngest child because of the doubt of paternity and having to fix mom's mistakes.

I simply find it so hard to help him, love him and show him attention and he doesn't seem to appreciate it or want it from me - but because I'm a step parent to him, I've assumed that responsibility. It's a sense of rejection that I feel. Sometimes I feel like, "Here I am paying more attention to you and fixing your rotten teeth, caring for your needs, and care about you enough to give you what you need emotionally and in every other way - I hug and kiss you- I encourage you, I talk to you and explain things to you, I spend time with you...I feed you healthy foods and do everything your pathetic mother doesn't do yet it seems you really don't want it." A part of me wants to say but never would, "If you want that kind of life - SEE YA!"

* Please understand that any frustration or anger you hear is me venting. I have no one to vent to about this and I'm only human. It's hard to put out effort, love and attention- and he's not even mine...Is there any advice anyone can lend?

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Jul 21, 2011
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I feel your pain
by: Anonymous

I am in a similar situation, I have a step son who is eleven. We pay support and do all we can to make him feel welcome and loved in our home but its never enough. He is a rude and selfish child and to make matters worse my husband and I doubt paternity.

He looks nothing like my husband who by the way has all dominant features. My daughter that my husband and I share together looks identical to her Daddy. My husband is 6'4 with dark hair, brown eyes and is a hairy man...this child is light haired with light blue eyes and looks like his step dad .....who by the way my husband ex had an affair with which is why the marriage ended.

I resent the ungrateful child who I have to take care of and foot the bill for his mothers plastic surgery and vacations because that is what she does with the child support we send. The child never visits with enough clothing so I have to buy him a new wardrobe while he is here and I send it home with him but I never get it back.

My husband is hurt by the fact that this child is not what "he would want him to be" and that the mother has poisoned him so much that he doesnt even consider my husband his dad.

I am bitter and tired of all the resentment and hatred I feel toward her and her child...it's wrong of me to feel that way but until I know the truth, I will not be able to change how I feel .

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