Resentful Stepmom

Hello, I am currently engaged to a man that I love very much. I met him about three years ago when his daughter had just turned 1. She was an accident, and my finace at the time was 22 and his daughter's mother 18.

He tried to do the right thing and stuck by her mother, but the problems between them persisted. She called off the wedding and they split. I met him soon after. For 3 months his ex would not let him see his daughter despite the phone calls, finally she gave in.

At first I was excited to have a child around, especially a baby, as I was at a point in my life where I was ready to settle down. The past 2 years, and especially the past year have been very difficult. We have his daughter every weekend, we both work long hours so we barely get to see each other during the week and then have no time alone what so ever on the weekends.

I am the primary caretaker for her, I pick her up from school on a Friday and take her back to school on Monday. Where her mother neglects her I pick up the slack. I look out for her welfare but I can not find it in myself to love her, I go through the actions but there is no emotion.

I don't want her around, I feel that my free time is being sucked up by her and I can't do the things I enjoy, even go to a movie with my fiance because she is always there.

To top it off she tests me to no end. She is very spiteful and acts one way when she is alone with me and another when "daddy" is home. He works overtime most weekends so I am with her most of the day. When she is with me she is very independent and can do things herself, when daddy is home she needs help with everything. If my finace and I lay down on the couch to watch a movie she climbs on top of us and literally elbows me and keeps pushing until I get up and then looks at me as if to say I got my way. If I say no, she goes to daddy, who is more likely to give in because his time with her is limited and he overlooks a lot.

The child is just outright mean in my eyes. She torments me by being spiteful and then runs to daddy like she is innocent. She acts like a baby when he is around.

I know children will test to a point, its part of growing up, but this is beyond normal, she knows exactly what she is doing.

I resent the child, I wish she was not around and it takes everything I have to deal with her, especially when she is acting out. We are supposed to get married soon and he wants her to be the flower girl, like any father would but I don't want to have to deal with her on my wedding day. I want that to be our time, I don't want to have to be irritated the whole day because she's trying to get daddy's attention away from me or anyone else.

We are also planning on having a child and I'm scared to leave her unattended with a baby, I don't know what she will do out of spite for daddy's attention. We got a puppy not to long ago and she completely acted out and was outright mean to the puppy. I'm seriously afraid she will hurt my own child.

I've talked to my fiance and some things he sees but he says that she doesn't get to see him that much and I have to give her a break. We get into fights over her all the time because she does something that I reprimand her for and she goes crying to him. I'm so frustrated, and I love him but I feel like its going to come to me or her. Please help.

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May 03, 2012
Another step mom opinion
by: Anonymous

I am a step mom who dealt with more than you care to imagine. I took care of this child, paid for private schools, sought regualr therapy for her because her mom was so neglectful.(From age 5 to 18) Believe me, I was the main caregiver and she would come home to us SOOOOO stinky and her hair would still be in the braids I put it in 4 days prior! Her mom would leave her on school corners until 5PM on her days she had her....just awful things. We developed a pretty close relationship but dealing with the other part of her family was hard because they were always brain washing and manipulative. At the age of 8 she came to us and told us she wanted to live with us full time because she was very unhappy at her moms. ONLY because she came to us, we fought for custody. Her other family "whisked" her away and did not bring her home for three weeks. CONVENIENTLY about 5 minutes before the court evaluater was coming to our home to interview her, and us. She popped out of the car with her first words of "Hi guys, Oh...I really don't want to live here anymore." She later admitted they bribed her to say those words and spoiled her rotten with toys in order to do so. At the age of 14 she came to live with us (she wanted to) we paid for her private school education, clothing, therapy, sports, ETC....and STILL had to pay 900 a month in child support to her mother...go figure? Now that she is grown she pretty much does everything for her mom, and does not even seem to remember how crappy her mother was to her! And how we really were the ones that helped her and nurtured her through life. (She just got out of college too.) Did mom help? NO! Just us. And she still seems super tight with mom...I am not understanding this, and I am constantly hurt, not just for myself but for my husband, and our kids who wonder why she never comes around. You can do your VERY best parenting, but still deal with constant upsets. My advice would be to find someone without kids and make your own little family...It would be less upsetting and complicated.

Apr 23, 2012
by: Anonymous

This is the worst thing I have ever read!! Who is petty enough to resent a 2 year old? Obviously you aren't ready for children, find someone else!

Dec 13, 2011
Resentful Stepmom
by: Chasity

I know exactly how you feel. I got married to my husband when my stepson had just turned 2 years old. We were married a year in October. When we were dating we always had time for each other and I time for myself. My husband got full custody of him when before we had joint custody. His mother is never ever around and sometimes doesnt even pick him up for her every other weekend.

I am the primary caregiver to him always and had to manage being a full time student while staying at home with him and had to quit my job. The only reason I do it is because I love my husband.

I am currently pregnant with my first child which is also a boy and I am terrified that my son will be like my stepson. He is a holy terror to me but good when he is with my mom or his daddy. Words can not describe how much resentment I feel because my husband does not understand.

I am feeling like my baby and the excitement from my pregnancy is shadowed because my stepson is already there. My son would have been the very first grandchild, me being the oldest child in my immediate family. I am 26 and was looking forward to having the first grandchild. I had to finally put him in preschool because I couldnt handle it anymore. He goes 3 days a week and the other 4 days that he is home is hard enough.

My husband challenges my authority in front of him when I know he has done something wrong and my husband doesnt because he is at work all day. So it makes him that much worse because his daddy thinks he does no wrong.

I love my stepson but this is by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I know without a doubt that parenthood will be cake compared to step-parenthood.

I completely sympathize with you. My husband and I never fight about anything unless it is something to do with him. It is very hard for me not to feel resentful. I am going to tell you that it doesnt get any better, and the older that they get, the more they know how to manipulate the situation. Prayer is the only way I make it through it.

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