I found this article because I was looking for insight on dating people with children. Specifically dating someone that raised a child that was not biologically theirs. I know that this man is a shining example among men. .. But even after having a part in raising a little girl, shouldn't there be some distance?
In the situation I'm talking about. Makes me feel horrible for even questioning it. A couple was breaking up. Father died in an accident. New father figure, my boyfriend steps in. They date for four to five years. Little girl is now seven. They have been broken up for a year, but "emotionally" broken up a long time ago. He considers the little girl, still has moved on emotionally. The mother of the children has not moved. My worries are when she does how much it will break his heart to not be as much of s father figure to the child. Right now I feel she has the best of all the worlds. Someone to co-parent, even taking care of here other two older children that do not consider him as close of a father figure.
I can see taking the children to do something special but lately as I'm getting attached in this relationship, I feel it's a much larger situation then him being s father like figure. It's as if he has joint custody.
Since I have been seeing this man it was him taking the lil girl to a movie. Sweet yes I know. Then she spends the night. Then the rest of the kids are spending the night. Then it's three nights in a week. Shouldn't there be distancing?
It has never interfered with our relationship, but my fear is with meeting the children or moving out of state like he and I have spoke of with an ex so closely dependent on him. With his love for the child and a complete trust that he has no feelings for his ex, isn't there worry for s child who is seven and becoming even closer to someone no longer in their life?
I do not want is relationship to fade, and I feel a father figure is important. But I feel In this situation no one is moving on.
Ultimately, I feel his love and relationship does not need to fade with the little girl. ..and I'm trying to convince myself that I'm being selfish in just wishing he would limit thud relationship to "hey let's go to chucky cheese once a week with an occasional sleepover at "dads" instead of confusing the little girl of his role. I am looking for honest feedback.... Help me realize what I need to?
Aug 03, 2010 Rating
Girlfriend Using a Child as a Pawn in a Breakup by: Laura Ramirez
First of all, I want to thank you for your insightful question.
It always saddens me when I see an ex boyfriend or girlfriend using a child as a pawn in a breakup. In this case, it seems that your ex is using the child to create a deeper sense of loss and pain for you over your decision to breakup.
Unfortunately, I can only assume this is so since you did not provide the details of what led you to breakup and I do not know why your ex girlfriend hates you so much that she would want to hurt you by sacrificing the feelings of her own child. Perhaps it is her way of avoiding responsibility for her part in the breakup. This way, she gets to make YOU into the bad guy.
One suggestion would be to wait a bit and then contact her and express your desire again to bring some closure to your relationship with her daughter. I realize that you truly do love this girl and in a world where many men refuse to pay child support for their birth children, you are a shining example of what a man should be and the child in question isn't even your daughter.
If you want to talk more about this and help resolve some of your pain, you might consider my parenting coach service which is more about creating good relationships than anything.
A note to single parents out there: realize that when you have a relationship with a man or woman your child gets bonded to that person, especially if he or she is a nurturing caregiver who is an important influence in their life.
Resist the urge to use your child in a breakup to add to the other person's suffering. Realize that by refusing to allow for closure, you are hurting your child.
Let's be grownups here and good role models for our children. Let's show them that even though we may unable to live with someone for one reason or another that we can part with humanity and honor the relationship for what it gave us while it lasted. (Obviously, I'm not talking about abusive relationships here.)
