My father used me sexually from age 4 to age 30

My life is consumed with attempts to heal from the effects of being sexually used by my father for decades. I have a horrible amount of shame from the fact that it continued after I was married.

My father began using me sexually, and blamed it on the teachings of the Bible. He said it was a father's responsibility to God to teach his daughters how to be "good wives". The most crucial part of the teaching was the sexuality. If I failed to learn, HE was damned to Hell by God.

I loved, and hated my father. I grew up in the Viet Nam era, and lived just minutes from an Air Force Base. I used to pray the blue car that delivered the news of missing or dead soldiers would visit our house and tell my mother our daddy wasn't coming home. I had no idea that could only happen to Military families...our's was Civil Service.

My sexual episodes with my father usually included spankings before, or after, and often I was slapped during the sex. I became accustomed to the pain and the climax. I am completely messed up by it now. I cannot be loved sexually. I crave the pain associated with what he did to me. I have a loving husband who would never hurt me that way, so I hurt myself internally, so when he has sex with me, it is painful, but he doesn't cause it. I am a wreck.

I cannot get angry. I am numb to that emotion and spend much time quite sad. I am in therapy and I work very hard. I am addicted to humiliating and painful sex acts. I am ashamed of who I am. My father is dead and doesn't know what he turned me into. I want to hate him, but I don't know how to hate, because, I barely know how to feel. From what my father said, God demanded that I do and allow the things he engaged in with me. I was orally raped, sodomized with, first fingers, and as an adult, he used his penis. He engaged in vaginal penetration from the time I was ten, until a month before his death. He was 61.

I have many deeply humiliating habits. I want normal, sane, kind and gentle love. I do not know why I am so drawn to the horror of incest. I found out my father had lied to me, and I shared what he was doing to me with a man I had recently met, believing him to be a safe and interested friend. He had me make arrangements to stay home alone, and he and another couple came to my home and violently raped me. I could not tell. I had no one to tell. I was silent about the rape for 8 years. I was silent about the incest until 2009, when I finally told my therapist.

There is a special humiliation attached to this sort of defilement. People know I was raped, and they feel horrible for me. But, if those people knew I had a sexual relationship with my father until I was 30, they would form a completely different opinion of me, I fear.

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