Mother Ready to Give Up

by ann
(trinidad and tobago)

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Mother Ready to Give Up

I have been married for 8 years and have a son from a previous marriage. My son was 7 at the time. My husband and my son never got along and I think I dealt with it wrong, I tended to side with my husband to avoid conflict.

After being blamed for everything, my son kept to himself. He became lazy, you always had to remind him of his chores, his head was always buried in a book or playing games, and my husband didn't like that. He started insulting and degrading him even in front of the other kids.

As he got older, I guess my son started tuning him out. He was never allowed to watch television or go on the pc unless for homework. In my eyes, my child is growing up without a childhood. Because of these restrictions, my son would steal chances when we were not around, but somehow my husband always found out. His nephews would sell him out although they sometimes played games together.

My husband said if my son is not consistent with his chores without having to remind him, he'll continue to have no privileges in HIS house. My son prefers to adopt a don't-care attitude and continues to take his chances when we're not around. I have talked to my son, but it seems as if he has also given up, no matter what he does it is never right, so why bother.

I have recently read some writing he has done and it was rather negative on life itself, and it got me worried, so I am arranging to talk to a school counselor to see if I should be concerned.

I feel so alone in this because I can't talk to my husband. He gets angry and says I have my son the way he is. Maybe I do, I don't know, but my husband refuses to see any other side. I think before he turns 18, he will want him out. I can't rely on my ex because he never supported him and he is into drugs, otherwise I would have sent him a long time ago.

I'm not sure I explained myself all that well, but I'm trying, and it is very depressing coming home from work just to hear a set of complaints. I no longer know what to do and frankly I have lost hope in this situation.

Any thoughts would be nice, even if it is to say it was my fault.

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Nov 08, 2011
by: Anonymous

I have a similar lousy husband. He thinks because my daughter turned 22, that she doesn't have the right of returning to visit when or if she wants. She is a very well directed, respectful kid, has always loved him, and wished he were her real father.

He has suddenly changed, as if he feels like ok, now it's time for her to grow up, and I want my privacy. Maybe he feels like he did his 10 jail sentence, having been with us for ten years, and he just impatiently wants her to stay away. He is hurting my daughter tremendously, and myself as well.

My feelings for him are changing, and I am not sure I want to be with someone who wants to possess me this much. He has always been slightly competitive with her, although she is never that way with him. So I know the competition is for who gets me, or who do I really love more. I am so losing my patience for the first time, and want to leave. Helppp... I truly don't want to go through another break up.

Jun 18, 2010
Blended Family Conflicts

I completely understand where you are coming from and how you are feeling! I have been married for almost 9 years to my husband who is a step dad to my two children. My son was 13 (now 22) and my daughter 10 (now 19) when we married.

Things were fine in the beginning but slowly deteriorated into what I now feel like is a nightmare. Neither one of my children can do anything right and they have stopped trying. You can cut the tension in our home with a knife and I am constantly in the middle, trying to keep peace.

My children are at the age now that they voice their opinion of what is going on and I can tell they are unhappy and angry. I am worried about what this is doing to their self esteem. Their real father is not very active in their life and lives 3 hours away. My children have not had a good male role model in their lives as well.

I really feel my husband is the adult in the situation and should be able to act accordingly. He is constantly finding fault, and telling all of us they need to find another place to live if they do not shape up. Both children work part-time and attend college and still live at home.

I know my children are not perfect but feel a lot of the problem is the way my husband chooses to interact with them. I am at my wits end and have had thoughts several times of divorce. I can not understand why my husband cannot see what damage this is doing to our relationship.

Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated. Are their any books out there on step parenting and the effects on a marriage/relationship?

The Ten Commandments of a Blended Family

Mar 31, 2010
Stand Up for Your Son
by: Laura Ramirez

Stand Up for Your Son

It is difficult for me to write a response to this post because personally, I think more women should stand up to their husbands when they feel that they are treating their children in ways that are unfair or downright abusive. If my husband is being harsh (which he can be from time to time), I have no problem stepping in.

It is obvious from your post that your husband's harsh disciplinary tactics, such as shame, blame and humiliation and failure to understand child development have led to your son's negative outlook on life and his don't-care attitude. I am concerned for your son's future and well-being and hope that you are willing to do your best to help him now.

I suggest that you read my parenting book, so you can learn what it means to be the steward of a child and also so that you can begin to understand child development.

Next, do everything you can to get your son into therapy with a caring adult male who can serve as a positive role model and help your son reclaim his integrity and sense of self. It is not too late to stand up for your son, but understand that he will probably be angry at you for not doing something sooner.

Hope this helps.

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