Letting Go

My comment to the writer about worrying about what to do with her so called "mother" is the same story for me. I have cut the narssistic bitch loose in my life with one last note to her: I told her that I have continually prayed and forgiven for her wickedness and this last heart break of deception and lies just happened to be the deal breaker for the fake relationship we had. When there is no trust or truth - there is no relationship. She has in a week spread her vicious rumors and lies throughout the family and turned everyone against me once again and I am truly hurt, but yet I don't want these people in my life anymore. Each and everytime she attacks, I get hurt and I am very, very tired of it. My "father" died two years ago and I actually did forgive him and set him free. Everytime my brother who was kept safe and protected from the violence my other brother & I experienced (that brother committed suicide in 1991) - well this protected brother who much younger than me a my close with me being oldest - protected brother would pick dad and take to VA hospital and drop him off and then I would get a call mother telling me that dad was dying and maybe I could go to the hospital with my husband to see if he is okay. I each time ask why she did not go with and she would she couldn't leave her dog. The last few months of his death, I remember walking in to where he was in ER at VA hospital and he plugged up to many machines and slumped over. It was at that time when I saw him alone and abandoned basically that I realized that he was suffering the consequences of his life behavior and only God knows what happened to him in childhood to cause this behavior in my youth. He would allow us to be around his parents because he thought they were very bad people.

Anyway, at that at moment I saw not as the hated person who stole my childhood, my innocence and my mental status forever, but as a human who was just very sad and alone in this world at the end of his life. I am typing very fast because I am thinking quickly!!! I tend leave out words when I write this quickly. I have volunteered to be with people as they die because I am not afraid of death and know there is a better place. So, my strong desire became to be him at last moment and hold his hand as he crossed over. He actually died in his sleep at his home. My "mother" heard a sound in his room, but she continued to watch TV until time to get him up and she found him dead. She was not overly concerned about the situation, in fact she, my protected brother & I stood around his body as corner let us have last moments with and we actually discussed whether he was truly dead or not. She invited me to touch his neck to know no pulse was there. Is anyone out throwing up at this point - it is pretty fucking sick if you ask me. The woman is wicked as hell and I just don't know and don't care whatever her issue is. So, I let her go as well as protected brother - I left them alone to have their thoughts and most likely they strongly believe I am liar still and crazy!! My "mother" knows I am not lying and I know that for sure. My advice to the 59 year is to let her go now. I am 55 years old and it is kind of guilt trip sorta kinda, but not really because she is who she is and I cannot change and I cannot tolerate it either. She has not called here to reconcile at all and I don't think she will although she did call my husband on his cell to happy birthday to him and he actually returned her call. Betrayed by him too. So what am I left with here is a sting to hold onto my sanity and my faith. I trust that God will deal with these people in due time. I am letting go and trusting God to keep me strong. I wish 59 year peace and strength to let her mother go forever and do not be guilty at all - remember you cannot lose what you do not have.

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