I've come really far
The sexual abuse by the hands of my father ended when my mother returned for me, as she had left him fearing her own life. And in her absence the sexual abuse turned into a violent episode heightened by his rage and verbal ranting. I would die at his hands I thought. I am still not certain why he didn't fully carry it through as I lost my fight against the weight of his body forcibly pressing the breath out of me. He wanted her dead, and by extension he wanted me dead.
I pushed all of these things so deep in me; but as a teen panic and depression were taking their first grip on me, but I didn't know why I was going through all of these things. I lived as my family did with the veil of secrecy to hide the shame. It was only in my early 20's in trying to deal with an oppressive depression that the memories from two decades prior came back to me in pictures, 'video' and feelings in my body.
I was told to forgive and that was supposed to take care of it all; we didn't speak of it as a family again. Through prayer, meditation and the 'Courage to Heal' I've come a million miles, but I see, now in my mid 40's how disconnected I am from my feelings, yet they roll through me with such power.
The relationship with my mom seems to be defined by the guilt and shame she hasn't overcome. And currently I feel both sadness and anger at that as it is very unlikely that she will change at this point in her life. Another layer of loss in my life.
The gift I need to give myself is to allow myself to get counselling, support and feedback. I need to stop feeling that this process needs to be done alone.
Thanks to all of those that shared their stories- it means something to me. It helps me.