I elect to be a functioning adult female and I don't know how.

by Sylvia
(South Bend, Indiana)

I need help becoming a functioning retired adult female of incest. This was performed on me by an uncle, he's deceased for many years, but the effect is still here with me. I'm not able to sustain a healthy relationship. I house anger inside me. I've married twice and had various relationships. I'm 58 years of age and I would like a happy functioning relationship. I'd like to be pleasantly married again some day. How can I do this. I've elected to fix myself with the strong hand of God, this is my only way I don't have money for therapy. Since the act there's been a strong desire for sex and not true intimacy. How do I become normal.

My mother would say negative things to me growing up. She would say I had a "white liver", didn't know what that meant until my adult life, nor would she tell me so I didn't know, it would have something to do with the incest, then she would mock me also mocking me about multiple personalities.

I was about the age of 5 or 6 when the evil happened, I can't really remember how long but I do remember my spirit leaving my body, our spirits leave the body never to return when this happens. When I did tell my mother she wouldn't believe me she told me I was lying. I still to this day ask God why. I feel lost and lonely most of the time. I had no father in my house I wish there was help for me long ago in the form of love or something some help.

I hope you can help me to start living. I've lived best I could. I was a single parent raising two children. Life appeared normal but truly unhappy. My children are adults with children of their on and I'm very lonely with no one to love me. I have a double-mind, unstable in my personal life, not sincere, not serious with anyone, unconcerned don't care attitude and mean spirited, I'm afraid and I hate myself that this happened. I missed having a childlike childhood. I would trick people into loving me, I hurt so much inside. So much is happening in the world I should feel for others and I do but my heart sink again soon after because I have no one to love me and I feel that too.

Help if you can. I pray people my age can one day have comfort with there "secret" to know we're not alone. One day there will be someone to still love me with my secret, it is hard to be keep up the positive attitude.

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