How to help your step kids deal with their deadbeat Mom?

How to help your step kids deal with their deadbeat Mom?

I've got 3 beautiful stepchildren between the ages of 11 and 5. I love them just as though I had given birth to them.

Unfortunately, their birth "Mom" is an addict and deadbeat. She up and left them 5 years ago and it has scarred them badly. No holiday visits, no birthday presents...nothing but an occasional pop-in to share with them how exciting her last motorcycle trip was and how tired it made her.

She doesn't offer them any real positive benefit by popping in except for the fact that it reaffirms that she is actually alive and still calls herself their "Mom".

Her visits wreak havoc on their mental status because "Mom" pops in just to leave them again. However, we believed (until recently) that at least some contact with "Mom" was better than none at all, so we allowed her to see the children with our supervision.

Here's the tricky part...the kids love me, but they're afraid to let go and enjoy having a step Mom because their birth "Mom" makes them feel badly about it because she knows they harbor a fear of betraying her and she preys on it. So sad, THEY fear betraying her, yet she left them in the middle of the night.

Can anyone else relate and offer any words of wisdom about this topic? The two older children are in therapy to deal with their attachment issues and anger; our youngest was just a baby when she abandoned them so she doesn't seem to care much either way...she just wants a Mommy and her birth Mom convinces her that she's the only one who holds that role.

Please, I need someone to talk to about this! Thanks!