How to help your step kids deal with their deadbeat Mom?

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How to help your step kids deal with their deadbeat Mom?

I've got 3 beautiful stepchildren between the ages of 11 and 5. I love them just as though I had given birth to them.

Unfortunately, their birth "Mom" is an addict and deadbeat. She up and left them 5 years ago and it has scarred them badly. No holiday visits, no birthday presents...nothing but an occasional pop-in to share with them how exciting her last motorcycle trip was and how tired it made her.

She doesn't offer them any real positive benefit by popping in except for the fact that it reaffirms that she is actually alive and still calls herself their "Mom".

Her visits wreak havoc on their mental status because "Mom" pops in just to leave them again. However, we believed (until recently) that at least some contact with "Mom" was better than none at all, so we allowed her to see the children with our supervision.

Here's the tricky part...the kids love me, but they're afraid to let go and enjoy having a step Mom because their birth "Mom" makes them feel badly about it because she knows they harbor a fear of betraying her and she preys on it. So sad, THEY fear betraying her, yet she left them in the middle of the night.

Can anyone else relate and offer any words of wisdom about this topic? The two older children are in therapy to deal with their attachment issues and anger; our youngest was just a baby when she abandoned them so she doesn't seem to care much either way...she just wants a Mommy and her birth Mom convinces her that she's the only one who holds that role.

Please, I need someone to talk to about this! Thanks!

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Nov 16, 2015
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Sep 25, 2015
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by: Melson Akev

That is sad. I feel your pain and concern. I am raising my 4 stepchildren (5,8,10,10) with my children (11 and 15) along with my husband. His ex-wife up and moved half way across the country to a place she thought was "cool" and left the kids with us. She has paid no child support and has went to great lengths to avoid having a court ordered amount. Now she is 40 yrs old and pregnant with her 5th child and she doesn't know who the father is. She has a degree in psychology but chooses to be a waitress and now she is going get a masters in divinity!!! Unreal.
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Nov 03, 2011
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Deadbeat Mom
by: Anonymous

I feel your pain as well. When I met my husband he was raising his two children on his own. The ex had abandoned them in NY to come home to get high with her new boyfriend. My husband had to come home from overseas and give up his military life because she abandoned them. He ended up getting SOLE custody in NY. He had no job, no car, no money, and had to move home to PA. She got word, wanted to see them in between her getting high and motorcycle rides. PA granted her supervised visitation at first and then it led up to unsupervised at her house. Here we are going back to court because the children came home saying they smell dope in the house all the time. Really? She has people around her fooled....but I will make sure they see and hear this ... if a woman doesn't have her children in the state of PA...there is something wrong with her! Needless to say, the incubator will not give up her drugs and party life for her kids ... so wish us luck as we raise them in a normal, loving home!

Sep 11, 2011
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almost the same
by: Anonymous

Ive got a 8 year old that until this year held onto the hope that her turdbag egg donor would come around and be a mother. like a fairy tale or something. at the age of 8 months the egg donor left her and disapeared for 2 years. Tried for custody while she was in rehab, failed and went on out for another two years. Now she's suppsoedly clean again and with some gang banger that sells dope. She lives one town over. We speak with the egg donors mother and grand mother often, but the biological mother just fails to give a crap. Every time we have seen her over the past two years she says something along the lines of " mommy loves you sooo much, youll come live with me ". Thats where I step in and say "over my dead body". Due to her failure in life to become anything other then a crack head, my daughter is highly sensitive. She had been affected by it in school, every time she seen her egg donor at the store or at a gas station or standing on the street as we drove by, for the following days I would get reports of her acting out in school. Now when she sees her egg donor she just shakes her head, and when approached and gets the "mommy loves you treatment" she responds with "no you dont if you did you'd had been there for Christmas, my birthday or daddy's birthday". Which were all very great times for her.

Lesson to take away from this is, kids are succeptable to fairy tales but the smart kids figure it out. I am a 8 year Army veteran that tells it how it is in black and white simpleness. I have always told my daughter the exact truths, even about santa clause and where it originated from.

Apr 14, 2011
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I am with ya!
by: superstepmomma

I read your story and it made me sad. Sad, because I live the same life you do. My husband had 2 kids before we met. His son was 3 and his daughter 18 months when our relationship began. We then in turn had 2 kids together as well. Fast forward 13 years.. and we are a wonderful family. Over the years, the ex lost them to Child Protective Services twice, and was in danger of losing them on 6 other occasions. We were finally able to take custody of them 5 years ago. She doesnt call them on christmas, on birthdays, on Easter.. only once in a while to make sure she makes a ripple in the calm water.

It hurts me to see them get their hopes up then to be disappointed each and every time. It has been very hard for me, because at first I hoped that she would gt her act together, and be the mom that she needed to be.. but in fact the opposite has happened. When she disappoints them all I can tell her is that we are happy that they are here, we love them, and we can always hope for the next time. I understand how you fell, you are not alone. More and more these days, mothers are abandoning their children, and it is very very sad. I could not imagine a day going by with out having my family together.

Dec 30, 2010
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FELL YOUR PAIN
by: Anonymous

I feel your pain and concern. I am raising my 4 stepchildren (5,8,10,10) with my children (11 and 15) along with my husband. His ex-wife up and moved half way across the country to a place she thought was "cool" and left the kids with us. She has paid no child support and has went to great lengths to avoid having a court ordered amount. Now she is 40 yrs old and pregnant with her 5th child and she doesn't know who the father is. She has a degree in psychology but chooses to be a waitress and now she is going get a masters in divinity!!! Unreal.

She only sees the children for 2 months over the summer, but it is getting to the point we are scared to send them that far with her - she is a loose cannon. We are in the process of deciding whether or not to try to take her rights away. We just don't want to hurt the children any more than she already has!

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