how to help my fiance stop defending his children

How to Help My Fiance Stop Defending His Children

My fiance and I have lived together for a few years now. His children are only with us a few days a week, but we have mine full time.

The first few years were fairly easy, but now it's changing. His children are nasty and disrespectful to me often, and he doesn't talk to them about it or handle it while it's going on.

They also damage our home by writing on walls, furniture, making messes and not cleaning up after themselves. Granted my kids do same on occasion, minus the writing on things yet difference is I have mine all the time and I can reprimand them, whereas he, the fiance, gets defensive about his children, whatever it is they have done and does not handle it properly with them.

It is frustrating and I'm glad it's something we have to go through only a few times a week. His kids are disrespectful, nasty at times, argumentative, loud, brash not polite at all, and pushy, yet yes, I have grown to love them. Their mother is all of these things, so he always says they're a product of her behaviors.

Okay, great, yet we can't walk on a tightrope each time we have them to keep them happy and calm. At least that's how I see it. I give a lot to these kids, love them, spend time with them, try my best with them, yet every now and again the frustration level is so severe that I want to run far away.

Any advice?

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Nov 28, 2009
Rules & Rewards
by: Anonymous

It is a juggling game you have to play. Set house rules, you don't have to voice them, just have them pinned up and have a quiet word to the stepchildren that whilst under your roof, they have to obey them as you would expect of your own children.

Also try to make places where they can keep their own things, even just a drawer each, so they are not living out of a suitcase when they visit.

You don't have to say much just their name when they are playing up, that way your partner can not criticize you for anything. Tread carefully to begin with and they will begin to respect you.

Also suggest a reward scheme. If they are good, they get, say, a little pocket money or a small gift the next time they visit, so as they have something to work toward.

Sep 13, 2009
Fiance's Disrespectful Children
by: Laura Ramirez

You're right, you can't walk on a tightrope with these children who are soon to be your step children.

I think that you need to sit down with your fiance and explain to him that he is doing his children a great disservice by enabling their disrespectful and inappropriate behaviors. After all, as they grow bigger and stronger, their power to behave in ways that are not becoming will only grow, until it drives a permanent wedge between you. Additionally, your husband needs to think about how other adults are going to respond to this behavior: people like teachers, police officers and bosses.

Your fiance needs to care enough about his kids to teach them behaviors that will help them succeed in the world. He's lucky to have a fiancee who cares enough about him and his children to ask for help.

My suggestion is to get this at-home behavior program that will show you how to teach your kids to treat others with respect without the need for punishment. Learning these tips to help your children will save your sanity, increase your sense of happiness at home and most certainly save your impending marriage.

You and your fiance and all your children deserve to live in a happy home where people treat each other with love and respect.

Sep 05, 2009
Cruel to be kind
by: Richard

You have to discuss what this means to your relationship. My wife and I went through the same thing when we weren't married and it nearly ended our relationship on more than one occasion.
You have to set definite guidelines for the visiting children's behavior when they are visiting. You have to also set grounds with your fiance or this is going to be a sore point in your marriage.

You want to be able to go into your marriage positive that you have everything ironed out in this area of your life or it may come back to bite you after the honeymoon is over.
I pray that your fiance is kind man and will see that this is the only way to save your marriage before it happens.

God Bless you and favour you in this matter.


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