Help me with my stepson

by Marama
(NZ)

My partner of 17 years fooled around year 4 into our relationship and got the other woman and myself pregnant at almost the same time...she got pregnant first and he left me to do the responsible thing...2 months later I found out I was pregnant also but didn't want anything to do with him as you can imagine.

My son was born prematurely and 2 weeks later their son was born...they fought and split up over the duration of the pregnancy and first few months and when the baby was 4 months, they split for good.

During this time, he was trying to have relations with me which I didn't allow as I was still hurting and wanted to concentrate on my son...after 9 months of trying to get back with me and my son and would bring his son over to spend time with his brother...I could see he didn't want the other lady just their son which she had given to her family by this time.

I allowed him back into my life as he had shown me he was remorseful and wanted us...he also asked if we could go for custody of his son and raise the boys together. I agreed and we fought through the courts and finally got to see him when he was 2 years old. By then, his mother was having another baby and wasn't looking after this boy anyway but this was all kept secret from us.

After regular visits she allowed him to come with us for 2 weeks...this kid was only 2 but he was a nasty piece of work...our son was bitten, beaten with toys ie. trucks,b locks anytime he wanted something our son had he would beat him and take it off him...he would take food off his brother's plate and out of his hand and wouldn't share and hide our son's things away and not let him play with any of the toys...everything was "mine"...he was horrible.

This carried on at every visit...finally at age 3, we could clearly see he wasn't even living with his mother and they didn't have a relationship and she just didn't pick him up 1 day and told us we could have him...he has been with us for 8 years this year and we have a 9 year old daughter and having another baby due in Nov.

He has improved a lot, but still has a lot of behavioural issues when he doesn't get his own way. He sulks and gets disrespectful mainly towards me and his brother and sister. He gets violent with them and will wreck their things and hide their special things and tell lies which sometimes gets them into trouble...their dad doesn't always listen to them...but I know all 3 of my kids when they are truthful, they persist with their versions.

His behaviour happens at school also...and we are often called in because of it...his mother has nothing to do with him and hasn't done for a few years now. I would always be the one chasing her to have something to do with this boy as this is what he wants but she has 5 other children all different fathers and only has the latest edition living with her...he is almost 12 and all he wants is some sort of attention from her but she doesn't show that.

We suffer because of this...what can I do for him...he causes fighting between his dad and I and when his dad isn't looking gives me a cheeky smirk which I try to ignore, but I draw the line when he hurts the other children and takes it out on them...his father thinks its all a phase and he will grow out of it...grrrr!