I completely understand where you are coming from on this. My fiance spoils his youngest daughter beyond it being healthy, he spends more time and money on her than he does anyone else in the family and he has said to me that it is out of guilt for having been deployed for so much of her life and then the divorce from their mother.
My biggest frustration is that now that we are living together, she has been throwing awful tantrums when he does try to enforce house rules (they never had any before I came long but I had to have some structure!).
I tried to discipline her myself because he wasn't doing it when she would break the rules and she came back with that typical step-child response of I don't have to listen to you, your not my boss. I am also frustrated because I don't think he realizes the long term effects of the way he treats her is going to be. I can't imagine her as a teenager! She is 8 now and throws things and yells, hits, bawls when she is made to follow the rules now. She is very disobedient and disrespectful because he has never had a backbone with her until now.
We are also expecting a baby of our own and I am freaked out about his youngest daughter being the most awful role-model for our child! She continues to ask me if the baby will die or if I will die during labor. She hates me, she has made that clear to her dad. I have been frustrated and angry at both her and him and his ex keeps getting involved in our business as well and chews him out constantly for things he has done or not done with his kids.
I have been so close to throwing in the towel with this and raise this child on my own. It is so hard! I am now not allowed to do any discipline of his children at all. This has left me with my hands tied and as the tattle tale as he is not aware of when they are breaking rules because the rules are new for him too! It is so ridiculous! It's as though I am sabotaged from the start. This would explain why any relationships he has had before me and after his ex didn't last.
Nov 24, 2009 Rating
you are not crazy by: Anonymous
Your situation is very normal. The key is you have to talk about it with your husband, but you also have to be careful about the way you go about it.
I have experienced the same with my husband and stepchildren. Anytime I bring it up directly such as 'why are you so loving and kind with your children but not with me', my husband gets very defensive and immediately angry. I have found the best way to deal with it is to try and indirectly bring it up - like asking my husband to set aside 1 night per week where he commits to it just being us - we have dinner, or see a movie, etc...but with no kids. And if the kids call or ask if they can come over or go with us, my husband will tell them no, that he already has plans with me (this helps if you actually have plans, if you don't he will probably tell them yes).
And sometimes my husband also plans 1:1 time with the kids, without me...and then sometimes we all have family time together as well. But you have to make time for just you and your husband to be alone, or the times you see him being affectionate/loving with his kids will make you feel resentful, like you haven't been getting that. And just remember, that sometimes the child may also feel resentful when they see their Dad being loving with you...so you have to work to even things out.
One more word of advice, the more loving you are with your stepchildren, the more loving your husband will probably be toward you. That works for me also.
