help for step mom

Hi. I am the stepmomster to a wonderful young man who is 13. Let me try and sum this up...My husband was married to bio mom and had T. She then left husband when T was an infant. She stayed gone for the better part of 8 years, being in and out of his life. Due to very complicated circumstances, she opted for her custody (after being gone for 8 years) and T was forced to go and live with her. he lived there for 3 years, where he was exposed to many things such as drugs, alcohol, emotional abuse, physical abuse and more issues than I can list here. Bottom line, she lost her custody, and we now have full custody of T. a result, I am now the custodial step parent of said young man.

I don't know where my line is. I don't know what to do. If I correct him, I'm wrong. If I don't, I am wrong. If I do his laundry, it wasn't fast enough. If I don't, he doesn't have clean clothes. All of which, according to him are my fault. He treats me as if I am something else he has to deal with. He has no respect, no kindness, no caring in his voice, in his actions or how he interacts with me. He treats me like he hates me. I found out today that he wants to move in with his grandmother, to be as far away from me as possible.

His bio mom was despicable. She was verbally, emotionally, psychologically and physically abusive to him. She is no longer in the picture. His counselor said that I just have to "keep doing what I'm doing." He is making a connection. He is....trying. I don't believe that. IF he were any other male, I would tell him a thing or two. I don't know what to do. I am the brunt of his jokes, i am the cause of his frustration. I am the reason he wants to move away. i don't know what to do.

Thank you for listening.


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Mar 09, 2012
help for step mom
by: Charleen

How long did "T" live with his biological mother? If she is as horrid as you say she is, then who knows what she filled that poor young boys head with. If you love him at all, please be patient and just keep trying. No matter what he does, let him you know you love him, but that there are some behaviors and actions that he does that are unacceptable.

Maybe deep down he loves you, but is afraid to show it. Maybe his current bad behavior is his way of punishing you and your husband for making him to go live with his biological mother in the first place. I know you didn't make it happen, it was in the courts hands, but maybe the boy doesn't understand that? Heaven know what she told him; she could have said things like: i wanted to be a mom to you, but they wouldn't let me, your father and step mother don't want you, things like that.

Is he involved in any sports? Have any particular hobbies? Does he like to investigate things and see how they work or do experiments? Maybe you could find some common ground with him?

I wish you the best of luck. I hope everything works out well for both of you.

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