Getting over my resentment for my stepson and the past...

by Eliza
(California)

Give Your Child a Solid Foundation


Let me start off by saying my fiance and I are not married yet, we plan to be married on Nov 7, but have been together for 2 years now. Anyway, my fiance is 27 and has only had one other serious relationship with his son's mother for about 7 years (his son is also 7, from what I've heard he tried to make the relationship last for the son, more than for the other woman).

I am 23 and have been in some semi-serious relationships but no marriage or children. I am young, and I hope that am I not portrayed as some "kid" just complaining, I am very intelligent and mature for my age.

But anyway back to the issue: when my fiance and I first started dating, he was in a difficult living situation and stayed with friends, so he got to only spend the weekends with his son-thus I didn't really interact with the kid much either.

I knew he had a son and at first it didn't bother me at all, it was almost like it wasn't even true because I never really saw the son and it was kind of like "out of sight, out of mind."

We decided to move out together after about 6 months (I look back on it now and I was being very naive and I am very thankful that it has worked out so incredibly well...) and I put very little thought into the kid (which I should have!)

Anyway, we lived together for about 3 months and the son would visit on the weekends. I wouldn't mind so much, but I would definitely be a little more irritated at times and would have negative feelings but would kind of just disregard them.

Well, after the third month of living practically alone, the bio-mom calls us up and says "stuff is going down and I have to bring Chris to you"-it was fine, I know she is VERY unstable, BUT that one night turned into like a month of us not hearing from her or being able to get in touch with her through phone or going to her house!

I was way more upset with just the mother and she could just do that than the actual son. Anyway, even after we got a hold of her the son continued to live with us per my fiance's request because we both obviously felt that our stability would be a way bigger benefit for him (let me also say that when the son lived with the mother he had NO personal hygiene, never had on socks or even underwear-even when every time he went back to her he was clean and had a new pair on! Just complete neglect by the mother, so I almost felt obligated to take care of him because she wasn't..)

So yeah, he got way better grades in school and wasn't falling asleep in class like he was before, but I still felt bad, I knew I couldn't let him go back to that, but I really just wanted it to be me and my fiance.. So obviously my wants were overrided, but it's understandable.

Anyway, time passed and he very rarely saw his bio-mom and didn't seem to act out in any type of way, but did mention that he was sad that she didn't even call. He would see her maybe once a month and I wished it was at least every weekend so my fiance and I could get alone time, but with her being so incredibly unstable and not caring about anyone but herself it didn't really happen.

I think this lead to my problems more because I haven't really been around children at all during my lifetime up until this point and I was almost just handed a 7 year old (I obviously could have walked out at any point, but I love my fiance waaay too much to just do that, so there is no choice of leaving for me).

My fiance helped, but he isn't the "best dad in the world" when it comes to detail-he just wants his son to be happy and that's about it so I pretty much have to take on the mother role, which I don't mind because I want a child of my own very badly once we get married, but just the fact that it seems like a chore because he ISN'T my real son.

Chris shows me love and I show him love back, I kiss him goodnight and give him affection, but it kills me inside. I look at him and I see HER. I know it's not his fault and I DO love him, I just have inside issues that I don't want him to see about resentment for him and his mother and my fiance's past.

I NEED to get over this so I can live a fully happy life with him and my fiance and hopefully soon my own kids... He's a good little guy and calls me "mom" already and I just don't want to live like this anymore.

It's like I'm jealous almost that my fiance, the love of my life, had this incredible experience of having a son with some other woman that was a horror to put up with... I don't want to feel selfish anymore, I just don't know how to get past it all. :(


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Feb 24, 2011
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Looking for an answer...
by: MJ

I'm so glad I found this page and I'll explain why...

My husband and I have been together for three years, both of us have a son each from previous relationships however, very different circumstances. My first husband was killed in a car accident 12 yrs ago, my current husband has an ex-wife who has severe mental health issues as well as diabetes, both of which she refuses to take care of. Her neglect of her own health has affected us and her son in ways I didn't imagine possible.

So, long story short, my stepson came to live with us 14 months ago after spending 6 years with his grandparents. His mother dropped him off there one day while my husband was in Iraq (he's a soldier) and she just never came back for him.

Obviously, this has led to him being a child with some serious issues as no one ever thought to explain what was going on - they all just pretended like everything was fine and still to this day, his grandparents talk about his 'clever mum' who is so busy studying nursing... As though there's nothing wrong!!!??? It makes me giddy with anger.

So now I have a 10 year old boy who has been completely deluded by all those close to him and thought for 7 yrs that his mother was fine but just didn't love him enough to stay.

Our relationship and our home was full of love and laughter and I was honestly the happiest I've ever been. Since we picked him up and took him back to live with us, our home has decended into chaos, anger and misery. I hate it. Every day I hate it more.

My stepson is the oddest child with several behavioural disorders that have only been picked up and treated after he came to live with us. I try to love him, but the endless issues we have with him are so severe that I get stressed when we have to leave the house with him because it always ends with him doing or saying something terrible or just creating a scene.

I have come to resent him with every ounce of my being. I'm angry because I worked so hard to build a good life for my son (he's 14) and my niece (she's 11 and has always lived with me) - I've worked 2 and even 3 jobs to keep them healthy and well educated, I took the time to make sure they were loved and I made sure they had everything they needed and we were happy. I made a decision to change jobs last year and I worked so hard so we could afford it for the sole purpose of spending more time with my kids - but now, because someone else didn't take care of their responsibilities, my kids and I are left to live in family hell.

I don't know what to do - how do I tell my husband that his son is the reason for my misery? I don't think I can do it. Where do we even start to try to fix it?

I wish someone had the answer - I really do :(

Dec 13, 2010
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hurtfull feeling
by: Anonymous

I recently got married. I didn't know about my husband having a son with his previous girlfriend until about a month before our marriage. He confessed about it and begged forgiveness for not telling me sooner. He told me he was afraid. It nearly ended our relationship, but his father talked to me about it. I love him so I marry him despite of the situation. My husband work overseas , we haven't had a long time together after marriage.

Now we are having our own child , but still I got this ill feeling that I can't explain. I don't even want to hear the name of the child and the mother. Not even to see someone that goes by the name.

I thought I was a kind person, but I really can't accept wholeheartedly about my husband's past. It kills me knowing that a point in his life he had someone else. Though the child is born out of wedlock, It hurts me knowing that he carries my husband's name. We seldom talked about it.

My husband never brought up the issue . He said we just focus on what we have right now. Our family and our love. He is supporting the child. I allowed him to, Though he chooses not to keep in touch with them, since he knows I am not comfortable about it. I didn't ask him to stop. He just did.

I know it is not right, but why do I feel like I am being continuously betrayed? Am I too selfish to think that my husband should belong only to me and our child? Few of our friends know about the issue. I haven't talked openly to someone about my true feelings. I let them think that everything is fine.

I cry almost every night thinking. I haven't seen the child or the mother. And I never wanted to meet them, but I am afraid that time will come when I need to face the truth and tell our child about it so he won't feel the same way I felt when my husband lied to me. I want to completely forget but how?

Aug 13, 2010
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in the same boat
by: Anonymous

My situation is very similar to yours with the mother not being around and feeling resentment for the kid. I have been with my fiancee' for two years too and we have a little girl together he has TWO kids with his ex and is STILL married he can't afford the divorce yet.

When they first split up it was because of drugs and she did not want to be a mother then she came around every six months. Her son was 2 when she left and her daughter 4 months. I came in before the little girl turned one.

The mother is selfish and is in 15,000 dollars of debt in child support and is not paying a dime. I know how how it feels to have it feel like a chore because they are not yours and looking at them and feeling resentment because they look and like their mother. It's infuriating and it makes you feel like a horrible person.

I have at one point thought about suggesting adoption to my husband to me. I know I'm terrible. The thing is I get so frustrated every day even though I feel obligated and I cry anytime I think of them leaving or being hurt.

It is very confusing and I would just like to solve my resentment so I can move on with my life and stop being filled with so much hate. Or to know if it won't change because than I'll have to leave. I'm not going to put myself through a marriage if it is not going to work.

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