Getting over my resentment for my stepson and the past...

by Eliza
(California)

Let me start off by saying my fiance and I are not married yet, we plan to be married on Nov 7, but have been together for 2 years now. Anyway, my fiance is 27 and has only had one other serious relationship with his son's mother for about 7 years (his son is also 7, from what I've heard he tried to make the relationship last for the son, more than for the other woman).

I am 23 and have been in some semi-serious relationships but no marriage or children. I am young, and I hope that am I not portrayed as some "kid" just complaining, I am very intelligent and mature for my age.

But anyway back to the issue: when my fiance and I first started dating, he was in a difficult living situation and stayed with friends, so he got to only spend the weekends with his son-thus I didn't really interact with the kid much either.

I knew he had a son and at first it didn't bother me at all, it was almost like it wasn't even true because I never really saw the son and it was kind of like "out of sight, out of mind."

We decided to move out together after about 6 months (I look back on it now and I was being very naive and I am very thankful that it has worked out so incredibly well...) and I put very little thought into the kid (which I should have!)

Anyway, we lived together for about 3 months and the son would visit on the weekends. I wouldn't mind so much, but I would definitely be a little more irritated at times and would have negative feelings but would kind of just disregard them.

Well, after the third month of living practically alone, the bio-mom calls us up and says "stuff is going down and I have to bring Chris to you"-it was fine, I know she is VERY unstable, BUT that one night turned into like a month of us not hearing from her or being able to get in touch with her through phone or going to her house!

I was way more upset with just the mother and she could just do that than the actual son. Anyway, even after we got a hold of her the son continued to live with us per my fiance's request because we both obviously felt that our stability would be a way bigger benefit for him (let me also say that when the son lived with the mother he had NO personal hygiene, never had on socks or even underwear-even when every time he went back to her he was clean and had a new pair on! Just complete neglect by the mother, so I almost felt obligated to take care of him because she wasn't..)


So yeah, he got way better grades in school and wasn't falling asleep in class like he was before, but I still felt bad, I knew I couldn't let him go back to that, but I really just wanted it to be me and my fiance.. So obviously my wants were overrided, but it's understandable.

Anyway, time passed and he very rarely saw his bio-mom and didn't seem to act out in any type of way, but did mention that he was sad that she didn't even call. He would see her maybe once a month and I wished it was at least every weekend so my fiance and I could get alone time, but with her being so incredibly unstable and not caring about anyone but herself it didn't really happen.

I think this lead to my problems more because I haven't really been around children at all during my lifetime up until this point and I was almost just handed a 7 year old (I obviously could have walked out at any point, but I love my fiance waaay too much to just do that, so there is no choice of leaving for me).

My fiance helped, but he isn't the "best dad in the world" when it comes to detail-he just wants his son to be happy and that's about it so I pretty much have to take on the mother role, which I don't mind because I want a child of my own very badly once we get married, but just the fact that it seems like a chore because he ISN'T my real son.

Chris shows me love and I show him love back, I kiss him goodnight and give him affection, but it kills me inside. I look at him and I see HER. I know it's not his fault and I DO love him, I just have inside issues that I don't want him to see about resentment for him and his mother and my fiance's past.

I NEED to get over this so I can live a fully happy life with him and my fiance and hopefully soon my own kids... He's a good little guy and calls me "mom" already and I just don't want to live like this anymore.

It's like I'm jealous almost that my fiance, the love of my life, had this incredible experience of having a son with some other woman that was a horror to put up with... I don't want to feel selfish anymore, I just don't know how to get past it all. :(


Have a favorite hobby or passion? Build a web site and share your knowledge with the world. No technical skills required: