Don't Know Where to Turn

I married my husband when his daughter was just three (now almost 11). I had a daughter who was ten at the time (now 18) and we have a daughter together who is five. Our relationship is great except for the girls, that's our only fights. Or I should say we only fight over his daughter and my daughter. We are constantly comparing the two of them and trying so hard to treat them equally. But thats not our only problem. Along with his daughter comes the ex wife. His ex wife has been a burden to me for the last eight years. She is always complaining about what I say or about things I do. My husband hardly defends me to her. I know that she hates me and blames me for everything. She has never let us bond or build a relationship. She has made my step daughter hate me by the things she says about me and her actions. It's like my step daughter is afraid to like me afraid she will hurt her moms feelings. But I have never wanted to be her mom. When out in public my step daughter will not speak to me or even acknowledge me. When she visits she is disrespectful, and doesn't think she should have to do chores or pick up after herself. She never talks to anyone but our youngest daughter. I can't help but feel like she is a disruption to my life and routine. She does things like her mother and I have a hard time with that. I can't help but resent her because of the hatred her mother has for me. I know that I haven't been the most supportive or kind, I am working on that. I just need to know how to let it all go and stop letting the ex wife get to me. If we could get past all of her hatred, I feel like we might have a chance to become friends. Now my step daughter begs to stay with her mother all the time hardly ever coming to visit our house. Their agreement is joint custody she comes to visit every other weekend from Friday night to Monday morning. And she is supposed to come every Monday night. We provide clothing for her, carry her on health and dental insurance, and pay for half of everything. Everything meaning school events, school activities and things not covered by insurance. We are doing our part and she still doesn't want to come visit. She says she has too much homework, basketball games or practice, or she just wants to stay with her mother. Now she is blaming me for the reason she doesn't want to see her dad. Where do I turn, what can I do?

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