Dear Parents and others who have abused me, this is how I feel at this moment in time

by Donna-Maria
(Blackpool, lancashire, England)

my mother tells me I am all she has, I am her only family, she still hates me, she only wants me when she needs chores doing, my father the man who abused me, remarried years ago, has a new family, I only hear from him when people find out what he did to me and stir up talk about it, cos I was forced to tell the police about what he did by a boyfriend and his family, even though I was not ready.

I married that boyfriend and spent 6 years in a relationship with people who acted like nothing had happened to me. That is when the drug addiction gripped me.

My dealer was my mother...

I divorced and quickly remarried cos I didnt want to be on my own, big mistake, 10 years of violence, he cheated on me and expected me to put up with it, he controlled my life. we divorced, then I ended up with an alcoholic another mistake, but my violence erupted when he threatened me in front of my children, I went and met him away from my home and stabbed him, he survived, it did some good, he got help and quit drinking.

I went to court and got probation and counseling. The counseling made me realise that I could trust my instincts and that I am normal like everyone else, what I feel is important.

Now I live on my own with my children,I am sad most of the time, I feel lonely, I sometimes act irrationally with my kids, but can't help myself, my kids know what happened to me, I never kept it from them cos I wanted them to know I am still learning. I do not want a relationship cos I know I pick the wrong men, I pick the abusive ones cos abuse is all I know.