Co-parenting Discipline

by Scott
(New York)

My ex-wife and 11 year old daughter have a volatile relationship. My ex's unrealistic expectations result in a screaming fight between them, and ends in my daughter being punished.

Example: My daughter asks if she can have some chips. My ex tells her "Only if you can run a mile on the treadmill in 8 minutes." My daughter naturally tries, fails, and then is angry that she is denied the chips. She yells and slams doors, and my ex grounds her for 2 weeks from her friends and the computer. She then calls me to tell me that I must continue the grounding at my house as well.

Is this right, or should the punishment be only at my ex's house? NOTE: We have shared custody equally, and my relationship with my daughter is beautiful, mutually respectful, open, and appropriate (I feel my ex's behavior is not appropriate), and it feels wrong for me to carry on the grounding at my house when she is so well behaved. Her time with me also runs through the weekends when her friends get together, and I am struggling with the question of telling her she cannot join them when I have no problems with her myself.

Is my ex's relationship with our daughter (and the discipline she inflicts) her responsibility or ours?

I am also concerned about my ex's competitive behavior towards my daughter, and concerned about my daughter's self image as she matures. She is a beautiful girl, and I am concerned that her mother is jealous of her and taking it out with discipline.

I have suggested counseling for mother-daughter relationship, and she got a referral, but has not yet made the call.