boyfriend sets mixed boundaries for his son

by sonia

I'm at my wits end, please help! my boyfriend sets mixed boundaries for his son along with other issues.

I met my boyfriend last feb. He has separated from his ex wife for over 3 years now. He works away a lot and I work full time and study full time during the evenings in order to free myself up for the weekends for him and his son.

i see him most fri-sun but i dont mind because I love him. I moved in with him last year which was a big commitment for me as I've been divorced for ten years and have no family back up but happy cos I felt ready.

We also got a bigger place because where i was single before, there wasn't enough room for my 19 year old son and his 7 year old son, who visits every weekend. I have a good relationship with my son, he doesn't stay a lot but cos of his age - studies, girlfriend, part time job etc, I understand. I have also worked with children for over 8 years now.

My boyfriend's son stays over every saturday morning til sun afternoon and i totally support this, naturally. However, there have been a lot of problems. My boyfriend comes down every friday about 4pm and we eat, maybe a glass of wine, watch a movie and spend quality time together but cos we're both tired this time only lasts til bout 9/10pm.

I have and continue to support my boyfriend even though in the time we've been together, he has been away for long spells sometimes but again, i love him and also appreciate that he wants to spend quality time with his son. i understand as a mum that kids come first but the first problem was after he had been away for 4 months last year, every weekend and still now, his son has toilet problems - he poos himself or goes to the toilet a lot an its always the runs and a big clean up.

Incidentally his diet is very poor as with everything else, he gets what he wants so he only eats what he wants to eat which is usually crisps, chips, fizzy pop, McDonalds, both back at home with mum and with dad when he's with us. I tried gently encouraging my boyfriend to help him improve his diet but that resulted in crocodile tears an arguments with my bf cos he 'just wanted to chill at the weekends and get no grief an didnt want to feel bad towards his son'!

So cos of the arguments i backed off, even though as a mum i knew he should have boundaries. Whenever i did pursue the toilet problems every single weekend and question why he hasn't been taken to the doctors i just got backlashes. His ex apparently took him to docs an first it was a 'hernia' then he brought medicine one week that was for constipation, a year old and just a spoonful missing!

The final straw was when my ex told me his ex gives him a laxative every friday night! We had a hugeeeee row cos i am concerned about the child's health but everyone else seems to be burying their head in the sand. Because of the vindictive backlashes i got from my ex i decided to back off, which is hard when that child is in my home every week! I've tried offering my bf to take him to the docs himself but that didnt work.

The other issue is that overall, the child is spoilt, harsh to say, but true, which, is none of my business but my bf lets him stay up til 11pm every sat night when hes with us and i resent this because, like i said, dont begrudge him time with his son, but we hardly get 'our time' as it is.

I've tried to discuss this constructively and im made to feel bad for it. - ' i rushed my son to bed because of you...i rush my son home early on a sunday because of you' even though the actual reason is because my bf needs to do homework or another reason based on himself! he gets his back up an defensive because hes questioned and childish because he just wants to do what he wants and same with his child.

Ive tried to give advice but he takes it in a different context, although im never pushy or interfering, just wanting to equal everything and have a happy balance for everyone.

I just feel like im treading on eggshells every weekend and if i say anything towards his son he'll just turn it around an make me feel bad for asking. Although, after his son goes to bed late, he still expects me to give him 'bed time' so when i make an excuse he sulks and i know he does. He is a little childish an i understand as ive said to him that hes had a long time when its just been him an his son doing what they want but he seems to be the only person in the world that doesnt realise of future consequences this may all have, for him and his son and for us.

I have tried everything now, tried doing stuff as a family at weekends, i don’t step back cos i understand its hard for the boy, all the changes etc in his life in the hope my bf will naturally start to consider me a bit more too and that im not being unreasonable but now i feel like im being taken for granted and feel tearful every sunday when he leaves again! Any new tactics/advice etc pleeeeeeease!?

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