Adult Stepchildren Won't Leave Home

by norman
(lower alabama)

Adult Stepchildren Won't Leave Home


Help!

I am in my second marriage. My wife has 3 kids: 21 23 and 24 who still live at home. I don't know what to do: I love my wife and have supported her with some stepchildren problems, such as drugs, etc., but after 5 years, things have not changed.

My 21 and 24 year old stepdaughter and stepson are still living at home, neither has a job and neither has tried to get one. Each of them has a car, which my wife pays for in addition to gas and insurance. If they get a ticket, she pays for it.

Her daughter travels all over and hasn't had a job for the past 4 years and her son hasn't had a job in one year. Instead, he plays video games, runs the street at night and sleeps all day. Both adult stepchildren bring their friends over every night and some of them stay for days at a time.

When I try to talk to my wife about this she gets upset. I feel both adult stepchildren should be out on their own. Until then, they should at least clean up after themselves.

I am a firefighter and after working 24 hour shifts, I come home and the house is a wreck and I have to clean it up or it would not get clean. I even moved out once last year and wanted a divorce but my wife would come over every night and stay with me and promise if I moved home, she would lay down the law to her kids so after a one year, I did, but the deadline has passed.

I have tried so hard. I was by her side when she went through breast cancer. I walk on eggshells because I don't want to upset her after all she's been through. I do love her, but I am tired of these issues with her grown kids.

I hate to end a marriage that I have worked so hard to keep, but I don't know what to do. When we're alone, things are good, but this situation with the adult stepchildren has to stop. They never help out around the house unless they are paid for it and when I come home from work, I have to park on the street because the driveway is full of my stepchildren's friends' cars.

When I try to talk to my wife about this, she gets upset and says there's nothing wrong with parking in the street. When I bring up the written promise she made about her grown kids, she says she can't hold them to it. I feel hurt inside and don't know how to handle this. Can anyone give me relationship advice and tell me what to do about this situation with my adult stepchildren?

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Sep 13, 2016
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The Age of Entitlement NEW
by: Anonymous

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 yrs now. He is a soldier and works out of state or country 90% of the time. He and his ex share equal custody of the minor children. They have 5 children total... a daughter 26, son 22, son 17, daughter 15, and son 13. The agreed to not pay each other any child support. He and I agreed 3 yrs ago that in order for him to keep doing his job I would quit working and stay home which would allow me to go back to school and work on my degree and care for his children in his absence. Saving him about 1600.00 a month in child support. I truly dont mind doing this. I am loving that I am back in school and I love being domestic and creating a nurturing space for his children. I myself have 3 grown children... my daughter is in her early 32, son 29, son 25. My children are all on their own, leading their own lives doing their best to be productive & responsible. They make mistakes just like the rest of us do. As parents all we can do is the best we can with the knowledge we have.
I get along with all his children except his oldest son who is 22. From the moment we all moved in together he has been disrespectful and he totally disregards everyone else in the house. He has a complete disrespect for women because of what he witnessed his parents go thru when they split up. His father and mother were very tough on their 26yr old daughter. She had a 5 yr old and lives with us. She is very respectful, pays rent on time, buys her own food if she wants something different than what we already have, does her own laundry, helps out when I ask her to, works a full time job & has been promoted 2x int he last year. She has an eviction on her record due to her ex- so she is unable to get a place of her own. I am totally ok with her, her and I get along very well.
I was at my wits end a few months ago due to his oldest son being disrespectful, destructive, stealing, lying, not taking care of our pets when I go out of town, not contributing and doing any chores around the house, not taking care of his fathers truck (which he gets to drive for free) He got approved for his own vehicle loan 2x but never went and got his own care. he never pays rent on time. he would go in my room and steal our liquor and lie about it. On several occasions I made his replace what he took and he drank that as well after I left the house. If I go out of town I always come back to something being broken, house is a mess, and the dogs and cats not being fed and watered.
When I bring this up to my boyfriend he always says I'm over reacting... I really dont think that I am. The one thing I expect is for the kids to treat the home that we all share with respect. And to treat his father and I with respect. I am to the point that I dont even talk about his son to him because it turns into an argument and I am somehow the bad guy and a bitch for expecting his son to man up and be responsible. It started to affect my happiness... So I decided a year ago that I would no longer take his sons actions or words personally. I treat him the same as I do all the other kids. He definitely does not treat me the same & thats OK. My happiness will not be based on how my stepchildren treat me. I realize they are never going to love me the way they love their mother and thats ok. And no matter what they will always side with their mom and protect her. My kids do the same for me.
The issue really is his oldest son. My boyfriend is starting to blame me for not having more compassion for his son. He wants me to basically hold his sons hand and teach him how to go buy tires for the truck, go shopping for a car (his sister and I have already done that), he wants me to take him down to a recruiter to do his ASVAB... This kid has had everything handed to him his whole life. He thinks that anything in this house is his and just takes what he wants with out asking. I really did try to have compassion and worked on trying a different approach with him, but the son wants nothing to do with me. And my feelings are not hurt!!
Now I stick to my guns with him and my boyfriend. I do so much for this blended family... my boyfriend says he sees all that I do but he is adamant that I could do more for his eldest son. So we are at an impass....
I refuse to enable his son to continue to be a user, while my boyfriend continues to enable him. Nothing I can do about it until he sees that not giving his son some tough love would be the best thing for him. UGH.........
In the mean time I focus on myself, school, the younger children, my children, and my grandchildren.
Thoughts????

Sep 10, 2016
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I want a rainbow NEW
by: Still dating him for 2 yrs

In reading all these posts I am surprised that the parent with the loser adult kids cannot recognize and deal with the destruction they are causing. Only the spouse without those kids can see how terrible things are and are desperate for change. My boyfriend who is in his 50s like me tells me I don't like his kids. Two boys who never graduated and broke windows and had parties when dad was working out of state. Yea, doors are busted too inside his home. The one ended up in jail and then got out. They no longer live with him but now
his 24 year old daughter with her 4 year old live with him. She won't go to college to try and become independent but she does have a job. She's convinced her dad she can only pay for child care. She has no car, the one she had got repossessed and she couldn't take care of herself let alone her child. She was homeless for a month so her dad took her back. Her dad sees her as getting her life together, she's done this before though. She's been in his home for 4 months and hasn't paid one bill she has. She was evicted twice also and owes them. In reading all the posts I don't see hope. My children are grown and married and I'm grateful they are solid citizens. Jail and school dropouts were never in my vocabulary. I love my boyfriend but im getting tired of hoping for the best. I feel normal not wanting to share space with his daughter and will never marry him unless she becomes independent.

Aug 29, 2016
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Living in fear NEW
by: Anonymous

I love my wife dearly, but I live in fear when ever my stepson is around.What do I do when I'm being fisicly threatened in my own home while his mother watching this happens over and over again.I'm a 60 year old disabled veteran,I can't live like this anymore.I don't want to give up on our marriage.HELP!!!!.

Aug 29, 2016
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Living in fear NEW
by: Anonymous

I love my wife dearly, but I live in fear when ever my stepson is around.What do I do when I'm being fisicly threatened in my own home while his mother watching this happens over and over again.I'm a 60 year old disabled veteran,I can't live like this anymore.I don't want to give up on our marriage.HELP!!!!.

Jun 06, 2016
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Don't let step children steal your peace NEW
by: Anonymous

My situation sounds similar to everyone else Husbands child lives with us and their family of 5. You can only stick it out. You can not change your spouse mind or their kids. Find peace by choosing a quite place in your home that you keep clean and enjoy if you have the room. Focus your energy elsewhere and pray that they will stop using you. Pray that a blessing come the child's way so they can move on. I am tired of hearing of step children destroying marriages. Watch the movie prayer room and take a stand in prayer. face to face never works. I am trying to practice what I am preaching to you now. My husband acts bLind also on all the issue. Find something that gives you peace In your home and do it everday.

May 09, 2016
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Take a stand !! NEW
by: Anonymous

I have step son 21 and step daughter 19. Step daughter is responsible and has a drive to get ahead in life. Currently living with us but keeps her room very dirty. Step son i had to get him kicked out because he is as irresponsible as they come. Been to jail three times for marijuana possession and dropped out of school. Would not pick up after himself or do any chores around the house. Lied, stole from me and finally i had enough and told my husband its either he leaves or i do. Took a picture of his filthy room and marijuana bongs all over and sent it to my husband. Whats worse is my two year olds room is right next to his & he wouldn't turn his video games down at midnight despite being told several times.
So he is gone. Now its the step daughter and i'm just hoping she gets a good guy and move out on her own. Because its hard to live with someone who doesn't like you much. She doesn't which I understand because her loyalty is with her Mom.


Apr 26, 2016
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She won't release... NEW
by: Anonymous

Wife's 35+-year-old daughter has never left our home. Ever. No privacy for 29 years! Sure, she plays "sleep over" with boyfriends but always (noisily) comes home. She has been dating a man 50 years old for 5 years. SHE picks him up (he doesn't drive)and they go out to eat, to the movies, picnics, concerts, walks,...but he made excuses three years ago when she mentioned they find their own place but she nevertheless clings to him like the coward that she is. She has a decent job, the best room in our house, pays nothing to us, in my way everywhere: The driveway, kitchen, bathroom, her "snacks" in MY fridge,loads of laundry, etc. Her mother (my ever distant and estranged wife) loves her being home and can't understand why I am unhappy. I would have left long ago except I love my son dearly, and so I have given up hope of her ever leaving and cringe as her mommy nuzzles her ever-open mouth to her old bosom. AACCKK! Just venting

Apr 17, 2016
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I feel guilty NEW
by: Anonymous

I read through many of these and my situation does not involve a step child with arrests and drugs. I have lived with my boyfriend for over two years. We are both mid 50's. I was very clear about who I am when we first started dating. There was no doubt he knew I was not a mommy type woman. I am very independent and work in a competitive field. I work hard and have to be focused and get things done. So ..I don't play paddy-cake. I was set that I could live alone and enjoy friends and activities when he and I met. He enjoyed fitness activities and we could talk about so much. His kids were grown and gone. His youngest was in college. He paid for his three kids to go to college. After the youngest graduated she decided to travel for almost a year. She is back. He asked for she could move in. I did not want it but thought...she went to college she will move out quick. I asked him to set a time limit for the stay. He said he would. He now makes her dinners, puts on a plate, takes it to her and cleans her dishes. They occasionally have a baby-talk thing they do. She doesn't have a car so he drives her here and there.

The other stories here seem so much harder than mine. She actually got a job. She doesn't contribute ...nor is she asked to. You see she wants to go back to college so she is supposedly saving for it and she might be.

He does not like it that I am not excited about family dinners and baby-talk. I don't want to stand around drinking wine with his child and talking about stuff...I don't even know it is all meaningless stuff. It feels like it sucks the life right out of me. His interactions with her are so unattractive. He is like her sister. He is no longer male he acts like her sister...even his mannerisms are different. And I think he is mad at me because I just don't have that in me.

So we talked about it and he announced she will be here for two years.

I feel guilty. I don't want to live with her for two years. I am mad because I was genuine about me and who I am. I did not profess to love children and want to share time with them. I like them at the ocassional dinner and holidays but not in my house everyday. I wonder everyday why I just cannot get along.

Mar 16, 2016
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get out now! NEW
by: Anonymous

Get out while the gettin' is good! Unless, of course, you want to raise the grandbaby, too. It's up to you! This won't get any better unless Daddy puts his foot down and he apparently is not doing that already. I had a miserable couple of years with an angry, grown stepson. His daddy finally saw the error of his ways and sent the young man packing. He now has a wonderful wife, a great job, a new baby, and a whole different outlook on life! He would still be right where he was were it not for some tough love. Draw a line and don't be afraid to pack up and leave when your reasonable expectations are not met! God bless you and be strong!

Mar 16, 2016
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Advice NEW
by: Anonymous

Oh goodness. I don't know whether I should be concerned or relieved that there are a lot of people in similar situation as me. I've been married for 3 years and my husband's 27 year old and 9'year old (each from different mothers) live with us. It doesn't get any better with time. I just can't get used to them. Especially a 27 year old step daughter who has not held a stable job for more than 2 months since I moved here. She doesn't help with chores, her room is a mess, doesn't contribute financially, comes as she pleases and gives attitude to my husband. Moreover, she is pregnant now and it looks like wil be staying with us. So there are going to be 6 of us now (we also have a 2 year old together with my husband) in our tiny 700 square feet house. I finally was able to get a well paying job so I am really considering moving out. I don't think it will get any better. I am just not happy. She realt irritates me. I justy don't see myself living like that for the rest of my life. She doesn't have no plans for independent life style and her father always makes excuses for her. i am also afraid that my 9 year old step son is going up grow up like her with no ambitions. My sincere advice to anyone who is considering marrying to someone with step kids please think very carefully. If I knew then what I do now, I would have never done it. Actually what i really meant to say is "run, don't walk"

Nov 20, 2015
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Don't do it! NEW
by: Anonymous

Do NOT marry someone with kids! Stepchildren that have been raised by accommodating parents will drive you insane! Don't do it!!!!

Nov 20, 2015
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Same old just different.. NEW
by: Anonymous

Norman, all you can really do is let time pass and hope it gets better. I used to gave a terrible time with my two parasites but it is not so bad now. I am still owed over £6000 in unpaid loans ( 10k usd maybe) but at least they are no longer under my roof.. Except of course one of them decided to squeeze his newly acquired Triumph Bonneville in next to my lovely old MGB Roadster.... Meaning I had to climb in to it from over the trunk to get it out.....gets better but stays bad - just in different ways.

Nov 20, 2015
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IF YOUR SPOUSE TAKES REASONABLE ISSUE WITH YOUR KIDS, YOU KIDS ARE THE ONES WHO MUST LOSE, NOT YOUR SPOUSE!! NEW
by: EYES WIDE OPEN.

I love my wife. She is a good person, but she has a terrible flaw. She ENABLES the poor behavior and choices of her children (pets too). Yet....I love her still...

The children (ALL ADULTS) are another matter. I detest the anguish and financial burden they cause and time they steal from our relationship and life goals. I resent them making their issues our issues and I resent the fact that my wife caters to them in this regard. WE DO NOT OWE THEM ANYTHING EXCEPT LOVE. No free handouts, No free housing, No free rides, Nothing ELSE! This is especially true, when there is no reciprocal action on their part when we need or ask help!

Between us, we have 5 children. I have two adult children and she has three. Mine are 18 and 20 (boy and girl), hers are (all boys) 18, 23 and 25 (or thereabout). We have dated since her youngest was 6 years old and we recently married in 2012.

Regardless, all are and have been making decisions and life choices without conferring with either of us. This is fine this is what adults tend to do. That being the case, they also need to live with the consequences of those decisions without expecting us to resolve issues that may crop up as a result! They all leaned how to walk, now that they are adults, they all need to learn how to fly on their own!

The problem is this; without exception, they all were engaging in adult activity prior to turning 18, without consideration or regard for how it impacted their mom and myself and our relationship, finances and long term goals. To suffice, their goals (if they have any) are NOT our goals, nor are their actions and consequences our responsibility! We should not have to replace nearly 8 interior doors in two years due to willful destruction! (just one example of many.)

Each of her children dropped out of school by @ grade 9. They then, each, did whatever pleased them. They ate what they wanted, when they wanted (mom made sure to buy what food they wanted). They left and returned at all hours. Invited all manner of people over at all hours of the day and night. Stayed out for days on end. Had girlfriends or other friends who came to reside and live there for months on end, watched TV, cable movies or played video games or were on the internet at all hours of the day or night and would sleep whenever they wanted. Nor did they actively or willingly chip in to clean or pick up the home, without coercion or financial incentive. My wife made concessions here and there, like making them do their own laundry, but it wasn't nearly enough in my esteem.

So, they were not going to school, had no job and were basically partying 24/7. There also was drug use, abusive language, abuse of persons, destruction of property, theft in the home, permanent juvenile tattoos, lying and fencing of stolen goods from others. Then there is the unacceptable pet/animals acquisitions being left for us to tend (in which we foot the bill).... All of this was or much still is going on which is totally out of line and unacceptable!

This was supposed to be me and my wife's home, but the kids are/were the ones running the show. I finally moved out to my own property which I co-jointly own with my parents after a few altercations with her sons. I had decided I had enough and tried to put my foot down. One was with her oldest son, who didn't even reside there (in which he beat me up at my home and I got sent to jail due to false witness against me) The other, her youngest son, where I called the police on him and he was arrested for assault. Miraculously, Her oldest and I seem to get along OK now and he is living on his own with his girlfriend and they have a child on the way, but her youngest is another story. He constantly fights with his girlfriend, his mom, and others. He is destructive, steals, lies, is abusive etc..etc..etc. He has no regard for anyone other than his own interests and his own self. Her middle son, she finally kicked out due to his attitude, addictions and his unwillingness to become a man, get a job and provide for himself decently. This left his girlfriend living in the home, and while she is a decent person, she too is a burden on the basic fundamentals of economics and relationships.

I wish each of these young men and women a good, prosperous and happy life, but not at me or my wife's expense! They are old enough to take responsibility for themselves. We should NOT be doing it for them! Their issues are not our issues no matter how much they insist we bail them out! It is NOT OUR JOB!!!

My children are no exception either, other than neither of them having spent a great majority of the time living with us over the years. My daughter did for a time after she had a son out of wedlock. She now lives on her own and is doing well I am told. My son stayed with us for several months but his personal belonging and space were never safe. He now lives with his mom and just turned 18. Both of my children have, or are at least, working to complete a 12th grade education.

The living circumstance described above has deteriorated the bond that me an my children used to have. My daughter no longer speaks to me and my son has immersed himself into a world of computers and gaming. (He does have a goal of becoming an IT Tech in the computer gaming field.)

I keep trying to reason with my wife to move in with me here, but she is SO FAR unwilling to part with the chaos she is used to where she currently resides. I hope she changes her mind. Nothing changes, IF, NOTHING CHANGES! She needs to want to break this cycle of reliance her children have on her, so that she and I are free to live our lives as we see fit instead of catering to others living their lives as they do.

Nov 15, 2015
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At least I'm not the only one ! NEW
by: Anonymous

At my wits end here, I have been with my fiancee for 14 years now, when I met her her boys were 9 and 7 years old. As time goes on things are getting worse. They are now 21 and 23, still living at home and have grown into the most selfish people with no respect for anything or anybody else. They do nothing around the house and both have low paid dead end part time jobs so contribute very little. We both work long hours and come home to dishes in the sink and mess everywhere. I feel I have put too much into this relationship to just walk away but at the same time I don't know how much more I can take. I have tried talking to my partner but she just makes excuses for them both and won't put her foot down with them. My advice to anyone would be do not get involved with someone with children, it very rarely works out and will cause you a lot of misery

Nov 05, 2015
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Struggle is over NEW
by: J

Oh dear, i have been here before, posted as well and have to say i am pretty sad to see that there are still marriages at the breaking point because of stepchildren. Thankfully my situation got better with time and now we re at the stage that you could call a happy family when kids are around, but it took time that seemed like forever ( of course it wasnt ) and some serious acts p, even moving out etc. best wishes to everyone who struggles and i d say yes, run for the hills if you meet anyone with kids or be prepared to go through hell for love

Nov 05, 2015
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Run for it NEW
by: Anonymous

Here are my 2 cents...
They won't change, and my advise is to consider if you can.. to LEAVE
In my case it came down to that
I ended up with 30 k usd in debts and 3 years later... and back on my feet and my ex and his freeloaders are just the same

Nov 04, 2015
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I know how everyone feels!! NEW
by: Anonymous

I've been married for a year and me step daughters are 21 and 20. They have no ambitions, no drive. They work a job for about 6 months then something goes wrong. Of course it's always someone else's fault. Then, they are out of a job for months!! They are slobs!! They have broken my blinds, hair dye all over my cream carpet! Clothes and panties everywhere! Toilet looks like a dirty gas station toilet. I wouldn't let my dog use it! Then they want to always come into the kitchen and eat! They don't pay any bills, I've even asked my husband to require them to pay something. And save the money so when they move out, they would have something. He refuses and gets angry at me when I say something about either one of them. It's as though I don't have a say do, nor am I the woman of the house! It's them! They ignore me, as if it's their home, not mine! He said that they can stay as long as they want. We have no kind of marriage at this point. I'm so ready for a divorce!! I can't stand them at all and I never wanted to get to this point. I asked him to let's lay down house rules before they moved in, he didn't listen.now, it's too late!! The oldest one asked if she could have a sleepover, I said yep, I your own spot or a hotel! Of course she and her father was pissed! I didn't care!!

Feb 03, 2015
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there should be a law
by: Anonymous

I have a 23 yr. old stepdaughter that I used to love. I helped raise her since she was 14. Now that she is grown and living with us, I really dislike her for what she is doing to our lives. She had a baby out of wedlock, couldn't make it work and moved back in with us. Prior to that, we were empty nesters. We have 4 other grown kids between us. The 23 yr. old is lazy, her room is a pig stie and she pays no rent nor does she feel obligated to help out around the house. She takes every opportunity to get between her mother and I in every way imaginable. She blabs constantly and no one else can ever get a word in. To make it worse, her baby is going through the terrible two's and is extremely irritating and obnoxious. It seems she can only yell, cry and say no to everything. She does not respond to scolding. Back to the mom, how can a 23 year old be so self-centered and irresponsible? She doesn't care that she may ruin our marriage. I want them out at almost any cost but my weakness is my wife. I don't want to hurt her or cause her grief. Why can't the stepdaughter see the damage she is doing and at least start making a plan to move on? We would help her but she seems to be digging in for the long haul. I could go on and on but I won't. Help!

Jan 04, 2015
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Fed up
by: Anonymous

My husband and I have been married for 5 years his 2 adult sons 21 and 24 have moved in with us again, neither one have a job or even looking the 21 year old admitted to using and selling drugs. My husband and I get along great until we discuss his boys he won't do anything about it he told me would have a family talk last weekend of course that didn't happen, I'm tired of him telling me he will do something and he doesn't. Both men are lazy they won't do anything around the house , they sleep all day and play video games all night. I am considering leaving and moving out of town but I feel it's unfair that I'm being pushed out of my home. I spent my life savings when we got married and even bought his boys cars and they have always treated me bad. I have started taking medication to help me deal with this and even had it doubled . I live my husband but can't take no more.

Dec 26, 2014
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Stepson issues
by: Anonymous

Stepson is a really big issue...I moved 12 hrs to be with the man I love ( we dated 30 yrs ago in high school and reconnected)... Moved into his home for 2 years, but had to move out a year ago because of his son. We haven't married yet. His son is the laziest, most disrespectful child I've ever seen...dad felt guilty for the divorce and son chose to live with him, so dad ended up getting walked all over in his guilt; son is very manipulative...it's always someone else's' fault, I.e., failed PT in basic training because drill sergeant wasn't counting all his sit-ups....His son has been dismissed from military basic training twice; was fired from busboy/dishwasher job I got him, as he couldn't stay off cell phone texting his gf, recently fired from factory job for 3x tardy in first 90 days...well yesterday he gave all his siblings a Xmas gift, yet didn't buy one for my daughter. I hit the roof and once again I'm "blasting" his son and dad takes up for him....we're both almost 50, son is 19, no problems from his older kids or from my one. I love this man and want a future with him, but refuse to be pitted against his son and dad always takes his sons' side...even the mother says the son is disrespectful to me and lazy...especially all I've done to try to help him succeed. Help!!

Nov 20, 2014
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truth hurts
by: Anonymous

I see so many people like me! Step kids using drugs, not going to school, up all night, stealing swearing. There is no end to the hurt. My wife will never do anything about it. It destroys our good family. I am not respected my wishes are overlooked by her just so she can feel she supports them.

I have given then every chance. I asked them to work at my company paying them far more than they are worth but why work when mom provides it all. I have made the homemade desserts and meals for their birthdays never a thank you. I have fixed their car out of my money and my hours and hours of labor. I have left work countless times to attend court crap and treatment I sold my toys to get a home in a location they wanted and drove my son's every day one way 30 min to school.

They run the house...and MOMMY let's it happen.they are 16 and 18.

I am tired of it she needs to leave w them I am wasting my time....it hurts to make her leave!

Nov 02, 2014
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take a stand
by: Anonymous

Your wife is committed to u now. Not them. She should see how this is effecting u. And make them leave. I would tell her them or me.

Oct 18, 2013
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October 18th
by: Anonymous

18 october, i m not suggesting you should move out, but it worked for me. I wrote a comment on 23rd of august. Things have changed since then. My husband's daughter now moved out and i moved back with my husband. What i did was walking away but keeping in touch, by time he has realised what ive been telling him from the beginning, we ve married to spend our lives together, but children will grow up and leave us and we ll only have each other. He literally turned his back on me and chose his daughter over me. Guess we have to try to make the kids understand that our relationship with their father in your case with the mum is different to their relationship with them. And the two should not effect one an other. His daughter now moved out and she told her dad that she doesnt want anything to do with him until i am there. That s her choice, but now we re working on trying to make her see that, just cos she ct stand me she is still her daddy's girl. I believe most of the time it is jealousy from the step childrens' side and it is very difficult thing to get rid off. How about all of you sitting down for a chat n play with open cards, if you dont feel safe about it on your own house do it in a controlled environment.

Oct 18, 2013
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Adult Stepson Without a Clue
by: Anonymous

I have a 23 year old stepson. Kicked out of College arrest record and moved home over a year ago. No job.. does nothing but sleep till 12 most days and plays video games. His mother pays all his bills including his student loans, cell phone gas. She even has given him a credit card to use for daily expenses. He uses it when he goes out on road trips to the Keys with his friends for whatever he needs alcohol food etc... Since flunking out of college he has been on a cruise and been to Europe!!

He rarely leaves the house and has few friends. He makes no genuine effort at finding a job or making his own way in life.

I love my wife but she fiercely defends him and treats him like a baby. Praising him for any little thing he does around the house.
I cant take it anymore and am seriously considering ending the marriage.
I am not a priority to my wife at all. I feel like an afterthought..She thinks I need to change and be more understanding!!!!
She is angry at me because I am angry..

Any thoughts?

Aug 23, 2013
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Adult stepdaughter moved in, I moved out
by: Anonymous

Reading all these stories made me realise there are people in the very simular situation as I am but mine is not the worst case. Kept feeling sorry for myself now just trying to figure out what rights i ve got as after breaking up with boyfriend the 18 years old stepdaughter moved in with us, i couldnt handle her attitude and non existing manner. I did my best to provide her, let her choose the bedroom she wanted to stay, redecorated it etc... Then she started using an other room as her own personal wardrobe, couldnt share a bathroom with my 15years old, problems started to rise, she kept accusing us of doing things we ve never done, but still for a while she was nice to my face, only been a bitch behind my back, telling her dad how i didnt do this and that for her. Unfortunatelly my husband didnt stand by me, in fact he has been nasty to me and every time we argued he ran to his daughter for emotional support, or just to slag me off. You can imagine how it helped me to gain respect off the daughter, while if my daughter and my husband had an argument all i told my kid was that she has to respect ans accept what he says. Period. Now i m living separetly but still seing one an other. I live in a one bedroom rented house with my daughter while madam lives in a 6bedroom house on her own as husband works away most of the time. She totally wrecked the whole place, we worked very hard for 2years to make it our own. Can not say a word or disguss any of it with my husband as he starts verbally abusing my daughter and would not listen to what i say. I didnt marry him to get divorced, but it hurts to see that he doesnt stand by me or wouldnt even tell his daughter not to treat me like rubbish. I had to go back to the house to pick up a few things and to my surprise she said: what the f'ck you do in my house? How very nice, all my husband said was: well, you moved out, so you dt live here, my daughter does. Just wondering if anybody would know what my rights are even if i dt want a divorce. Surely I should have stayed, but she made it impossible.
Any suggestions?

Apr 06, 2013
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Stepchildren Will not accept responsibilty
by: Anonymous

Six years ago, I married a wonderful sweet woman who had three children. A girl 23 with child but on her own, a boy 21 but had a job, and a younger one 17 but in high school. We had to live apart because of my job and I would visit on weekends and vacations knowing I would retire in six years. That is when the problems started, the youngest refused to get a part time job, depending on my wife and manipulating her in lying to me to get money. I am widowed and a teacher so don't have a lot of money.

The middle child went through his hippie stage and wanted us to take care of him while he looked for a job in the town of his choosing. He lost every job he got, got on drugs, his father paid for him to attend drug rehab and he is now barely eeking out a living. I had to pay around six hundred dollars and my wife much more to give him and his girlfriend a start over Christmas.

The girl, now 29 moved in with my wife about three and a half years ago and since then has taken over the house and everything else. She has gone through two cars and only got a third one when i made it inconvenient for my wife. My in laws live next to my wife and are beautiful people but are used by the girl too. If she doesn't get what she wants, she manipulates them using her son as a hostage. She rarely if ever pays her own bills which is food for her son, car payment, and car insurance. She has no other bills as my wife refuses to charge her rent and pays her cell phone bill. She refuses to go to court to make the child's father pay child support. I am going to try to make a go of it moving down there, but am not too optimistic. Any advice would be helpful. Thank you.

Mar 23, 2013
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Hi ladies
by: Anonymous

Hi .. Any nice ladies without kid issues of their own... I'm baggage free when I walk... I just want some nice time in my life with someone......Larry. Marlin621@ gmail.com

Mar 23, 2013
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Step children
by: Wish I had run

My step sons have sucked the life out of my marriage.. 30 and 35... Have not really given their big girl pants to pull up and move on... 35 year old two degrees. Other a paramedic....
35year old is always saying things like" mommy I got 120 on my exam and all the others got less mommy"... Oh my god ..wife says he is special.. He is a lazy life sucking slug. Other is just to special in his own eyes...... If I had it to do over I would have stayed away and single forever......sounds like every other story with different people and let's call them acts of life the stepkids commit... The future of these spoiled kids is scary..... They are the reason my grandmother always said we do not want to live forever... This is evidence she was right...
Good luck to all with the same deal.. If you are thinking about getting wed to a gal with anything other than a dog and cat..... Run like you have never run before.... Even if she is the queen of your life.. It goes bad.. All to soon...

Mar 21, 2013
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Stepchildren
by: Anonymous

I'm a woman in a similar predicament. I've made up my mind to leave soonest. Spouse claims to love me but I don't believe it anymore. My SS 22 is filthy smelly disrespectful and spoiled. I'm terminally ill & will not waste another day in fear of this piece of human garbage. As spouse refuses to put my needs first then he can end up a lonely old man
My advice is to run as fast as you can from anyone with children.

Jan 22, 2013
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it sometimes works out.
by: Anonymous

I am sorry to read Lauras post but it may be that you are best off out of this nightmare family. You seem like a good hearted person and I have no doubt there is someone much better for you out there.

My own story hopefully has a happy resolution in that the 24 year old unemployed (but with a promise of a job - so he says) has finally moved out. I had to out flank him several times - Him -"the job is so far away,too far to commute" ME - "you will have to find an apartment near to the job then", Him - "but I have no money to set up an apartment till I start work, catch 22" Me - "no problem I can lend you, here's $10k " Him - no reply (CHECKMATE). No doubt I have seen the last of my 10K but at last that is him gone, still hasn`t started work yet though....but finally my wife and I are on much better terms, lets hope it lasts.

Jan 21, 2013
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I had to leave for my sanity
by: Laura

I wrote on this forum 5/2012 and ended up staying until 8/2012 with my husband and his sluggos. My husband STILL has not made his adult kids pay for anything & has agreed to let the girlfriend and toddler move into his home with his equally unemployed son. My husband wants to move into MY house and keep paying all the bills for the slugfest sponging at HIS house. Wow. I think he needs counseling to find out why he is such an enabler to them. I don't blame him for wanting to move, the house is in shambles since I left, and who wants to listen to a screaming toddler who never leaves the house? I decided that coming in dead last behind slugs is not what I signed up for.

Sep 25, 2012
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advice!
by: Anonymous

i was on this forum just a couple years ago with a stepson that absolutely TERRORIZED me and his father! he lived in a mobile home in our front yard. he worked but we paid his insurance and taxes, satellite tv, etc. all he did was pay his electric bill and ofttimes didn't do that (numerous shutoffs). well, we found a small bit of land about 15 miles away and paid to move the mobile home. he HAD to pay for setting up the sewer, water, elec, etc. in other words, we gave him a roof over his head but if he wanted creature comforts it was on HIM! he met a nice girl (don't ask me how), and they got married this past month. she has a very good family and he seems to have straightened up. whether he did or not, it's not our problem anymore! GET TOUGH WITH THESE DEADBEAT KIDS, PEOPLE!!!! when we moved his mobile home we immediately removed the hookups so he couldn't possibly come back. is he still angry? yeah, probably. but if it hadn't been for us kicking him off the property he never would have his lovely, sweet wife and her super family! he will realize that someday, probably. but again, if he doesn't SO WHAT?!!! KICK THESE KIDS TO THE CURB!

Sep 25, 2012
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STEP SON TAKING ADVANTAGE
by: Anonymous

MY STEP SON IS DRAWING UNEMPLOYMENT AND CAME BACK HOME TO LIVE. HE RUNS ALL NIGHT SLEEPS DURING THE DAY. HE DRAWS 198 FROM THE STATE OF MINNESOTA. HE EATS OUR FOOD AND EXPECTS HIS MOM AND ME TO SUPPORT HIM WITH EVERYTHING. THIS MAN IS 22 YEARS OF AGE. MY QUESTION IS WHEN DOES A MOM AND STEP DAD DRAW THE LINE?

Jul 27, 2012
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Good Advise
by: Anonymous

All these comments have made me realize I am in a no-win situation with my fiancee and his 5 children (ages 24 - 15). He says its the generation and makes excuses for them, but I have seen his irresponsible actions around them and "friend" parenting style. I have told him that if he doesn't set the boundaries now, before we are married, it will only cause more problems in the future (especially for me) with them. He thinks everything will change when we get married because they should know new rules will apply. I think I should get out now.

Jul 04, 2012
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venting at wit's end
by: Anonymous

My partner and I have been togather for 18 yrs. For a decade we lived apart while her kids grew went away to school and started their own lives. Finally 6 yrs ago we moved in togather. Three years ago her youngest daughter
had a child out of wed lock and was abandoned by the childs father.

Because of massive credit card debt and a dead-beat dad who pays no child support she was forced to move back home.
I believing that it would be best for all concerned got my own place to wait out this period til the youngest daughter got back on her feet.

It is now entering it's the 3rd year and frankly my patience is running out. The kid is has no skills, dropped out of college her last semester and is working a dead-end job which pays very little.

She is now seeing a man with 4 childern by 4 different mothers who lives at home and it appears has no plans to change his lifestyle to take up residence with my partners youngest daughter and her kid.

Trying to discuss the situation with my partner is nearly impossible she either says she has no answers, maybe the kid will move out or lashes out at me for critisizing her daughter.

We are not getting younger and I was certainly hoping we would marry and spend the rest of our lives togather. But I did not sign on for the youngest daughter, grandbaby and lack of any plan or direction.

Jun 05, 2012
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2 grown daughters,a boyfriend and mother live here!
by: Anonymous

I met my boyfriend ( fiance really) a yr and a half ago. He is the man I've always wanted to be with. I am a very lucky girl!

We got together at what seemed to be the right time. We had both split from our exes. Spent time alone, and found each other, finally! I am so in love with him and what to be with him until the end. Problem is, now the two girls ages 19 and 26 are living here now. They both have jobs but don't contribute anything to the household. They go shopping and go out drinking while daddy & me pay all the bills.

I just spend $200 in groceries that they all eat. This house is just way too cushy for these kids to move on. It bothers me that the 19 yr old daughter invites her boyfriend over for the whole weekend. All they do is lay around eating food and sleeping together in her bed. That was never allowed in my parents house when I was at home! She doesn't even ask if its OK. Its like the do-drop-in...
Free of charge! .....they make dishes & cook...no cleanups.

We work nights and. Come home to the sink full of dishes.

May 31, 2012
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Wit's end
by: Laura

I am so glad I found this forum. I have found good advice and I feel as if I am not alone. My husband's two boys (20 & 22) live with us and I am ready to smother them in their sleep. The oldest has a job and his room is a flophouse mess with garbage everywhere. He bows up if asked to clean it up. The youngest has a 6th grade education, no job, no skills, and a very large girlfriend who is in the same boat (with a 2yr old screaming mimi). I really have grown to loathe them both and I am rapidly losing respect for my husband who is a kind gentle soul. Those kids are rotten and disrespectful to their father. I probably need to move out and start over. The sad part is, I adore their ineffectual father and will be heartbroken if I leave him. His boys didn't even get him a card for Christmas & said I was disrespecting them when I pointed it out. Go figure. I am done.

Nov 08, 2011
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Stepson wont leave home,
by: Anonymous

Its the usual crap, you know,not working and he does the absolute minimum around the home and only does anything when TOLD to, his mum quite happy to skivvy after him.He stayed in education(studying from home at the local campus - could not get away from him even then) as long as he possibly could (two degrees) and proudly announces when he has been turned down for a non-professional job vacancy that it is because "I am over qualified" - it is not my imagination that I detect a slight smirk when he says this.He spends many hours online in his room (that I recently redecorated and refurnished as a guest room - expecting him to leave home - that had "previously" been his bedroom) slowly but surely trashing it.What does he do in there??, applying for jobs online apparently according to his mother but when he is asked about these jobs the answers given are vague in the extreme. In fact anything I ask him never gets a straight answer.Yesterday afternoon when asked where he was going - a simple polite question - he said he was going out to get a haircut, the place he uses is less than a mile away.Sometime later I got a phone call from him to say that his car was broken down at a shopping mall some 20 miles away, he must have been heading there the whole time, just an example of the irritating little dishonesties that are a daily feature. I dont care what he does or where he goes really - he is an adult after all but for Gods sake how about a normal conversation. When asked where he has been he will just answer "nowhere", what have you been doing ? answer "not much" and so on, the sort of answers you might expect from a surly 15 year old - not someone in his mid twenties. I am retired and financially secure and have seriously been considering having some time out by getting an apartment on my own.You might ask why not set him up in his own place but why should I? and then there is the issues of meals and laundry. Even if he had his own place he would be over here all the time. I would be quite happy to buy him a cooker and a washing machine for his own place though!.One thing he is good at is making sure he gets plenty to eat, not so good at cleaning the oven afterwards though. I can not get his mum onside about the problem, she thinks I am just being hard.We are both strong willed and I sense there could be a serious argument and a situation would arise that could not be reversed (ie marriage over)if I push it too far.
It is encouraging to know that there are many others having the same problems as me, nice to know you are not alone.
I do have a plan however. I know (fingers crossed) he will eventually leave home and get his own place. I will have my revenge because when I get old I will invite myself to live with him and proceed to leave the bath dirty, the oven dirty and piles of laundry and unwashed dishes - on the bench above the dishwasher of course - and must not forget to block his car in at every opportunity...

May 03, 2011
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PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN!
by: Anonymous

don't you wish that EVERYONE considering marrying someone with adult children/bums would read these posts before going through with it! i have taken a stand with my stepson! it may end up killing my marriage but i refuse to allow him anymore control over MY life that he has had for the past four years!

i told my husband exactly what will and will NOT happen in our home anymore and so far, so good. the boy lives in a mobile home in the front yard and my husband is going over there rather than allowing the 23-year-old dictator to come here for visits, which end up turning into shout fests at my husband.

i agree your marriages are important! our vows are important! but so is parenting your child! what has happened to our society that we allow these kids to run our lives?!

May 03, 2011
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adult stepchildren at home alone
by: Anonymous

I have to be in Mystic Conn with husband this week. He told his 22 yr old daughter that he didn't want people over or hanging out at the house but of course she lies, always saying she wont be there but my son stopped over and she was there with a friend hanging out. Really ticks me off because she is such a slob and so irresponsible. I don't trust her there, but I have to swallow it because she is my husband's daughter.

May 02, 2011
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Stepchildren,mother-in-law,sister-in-law and ex
by: Anonymous

God help all of us, my situation is two grown adult males who are treated like they are 5 and 3 by their mother, grandmother and aunt and father they have no knowledge of being responsible and do not want any if you try to encourage any responsibility there response is "ARE YOU TRYING TO THROW ME OUT"

I WISH! and their father can't encourage this if he tries he is jumped by his ex, his mother and his sister and then all of his kids oust him and he shuts down emotionally from me until his mother starts speaking to him again.

I have been going through this for nearly a year now and one of his sons now has moved in a girlfriend and her baby which I have no say in at all my house is a mess it is a emotional roller coaster for me.

We have gone to a marriage counselor a couple of times but my husband is going because I want to not because he sees any problem. He is happy with the way things are. I have been told to get out but I believe in marriage vows and do not take them lightly I am praying for deliverance in this.

Apr 28, 2011
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Adult Stepchildren Won't Leave Home
by: Anonymous

My 22yr old Stepdaughter still lives at home and seems to want to forever go to school. I truly believe that she is continuing going to school because it is easier for her since her dad pays her tuition and doesn't expect anything much from her as long as she is in school. She comes and goes as she likes, her room is a disgrace all the time. My husband and I are going away next week for 4days and I hate to leave here because I know that she will have her friends over and there will be drinking and sleepovers and whatever. And believe me it doesn't matter what her dad says, she will do what she wants if we are not here. I wish she would just get her own place with her friends. I think my tension would decrease alot..Now I realize that 18yr old daughter will be here for quite awhile I'm sure. She is not that ambituous. They both have a job though. Part-time mostly. I realize it's not that bad now. It has been bad over the yrs with these two especially. Alot of things said and done that I will never get over and that is why I'm not close to these two at all anymore. Just civil.My husband says his kids can live with him as long as they want and whenever they want. That is his way.. I'm sure that if I still had my other home, a couple of my sons would probably still be living with me and I wouldn't care either,cause they still do live with my ex..and my youngest is 25 on up and I have 4 grandchildren and another on the way..I really have learned not to care much about what his kids do anymore, and quite frankly, they rarely cook anything here. The upstairs is their's pretty much, including the bathroom cause they are very slobby girls and I rarely go up there anymore.Husband tells them to keep their rooms clean and the bathroom but they don't listen and he doesn't enforce it so Oh Well!!That is why I can't wait til they move out so I can make the upstairs nice and remodel the bathroom and live out the rest of my life in peace..

Apr 28, 2011
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deed to house
by: Anonymous

Hi, I moved in with my husband 10yrs ago now.The deed is in his name only. I have asked him for yrs to add my name to the deed. But he hasn't done it yet. One of his arguments for this was that we were fighting a lot,usually about his daughters and he didn't feel real secure about our marriage. Well, I admit that I have been in depression since my 29yr old son died 5yrs ago in July. My husband had 4 kids. Two oldest are on their own. 22yr old daughter and 18yr old daughter live here. I had 6 kids and they have never lived with us.I think by now and all that we have been through, that I should have my name on the deed. At this point, does it really matter legally? I will probably be getting a large settlement soon, and I feel that it is only fair that I have my name on this deed, then I will feel better about doing home improvements here. Do you know what I mean? I don't know how to make this happen anymore. Any suggestions? I know that his problem is that he doesn't want me to have any power here, especially since his two daughters still live here and we don't speak to each other very much. There are some hard feelings over the years with these two.Funny cause I was really close to 22yr old before my son died,then she got an attitude and I just didn't care anymore and wanted to be left alone from all their drama. Still do...

Apr 25, 2011
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emotionally dependent stepson
by: Anonymous

good for you, "Jeff"! it's good to see someone on this forum who has the guts to take action and stand up to lackluster parenting and enforce rules! i am in the same position right now! i posted on this forum a year or so ago about my emotionally-dependent stepson. he was 22 at the time and is now 23. it's the same crap. he comes over here every time he feels like it and completely disrupts our household. however, i am sick of it and have began to take action. it's causing problems between his dad and i but i have decided it's worth the risk. you can let these dictator/children run your lives or you can run them! it's up to you! this man-child will call his daddy to talk and then come over here after hanging up the phone to continue the conversation! it doesn't matter what we are doing. he wants daddy focused on him and him only. if daddy tries to include me in the conversation sonny boy gets all upset. it's ridiculous for people to raise their children to think they should drop everything to attend to them! my two sons have jobs, homes, women in their lives, etc. an earlier post said they thought you weren't supposed to "compare", but i'm here to tell you that if you've done your job as a parent don't be afraid to recognize when someone HASN'T! THIS IS A WARNING TO ALL THOSE OUT THERE WHO ARE CONSIDERING MARRYING SOMEONE WITH CHILDREN - DON'T!!! if i had it to do over i would NOT have married my husband! he is a wonderful, loving man and has so much going for him. but he has raised a son who will never allow him to have a life of his own and he is not strong enough to fight him. i have started being very rude to the boy when he comes over and i've told my husband he will either do something about it or lose his wife. i hate it for my husband. he is in the middle. but he can grow old with a wife who loves and adores him or with a kid who is too selfish to want happiness for his father and a life of his own!

Apr 24, 2011
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Adult Step Children living at home solution
by: Jeff

I have been married to my wife for 5 years. Her 3 step children have always been a problem. They are now 24, 22, and 21. They never help out.
Make messes. Don't pay their own bills. My wife loans them money that we don't have. It was up to me to set the rules. What I did was use the internet to enforce the rules. I turn the internet off (change router password). The kids care about being on the internet more than anything. I will sometimes leave it off for a day, a week etc ... depending on what was done. If one kid breaks a rule, all of the kids lose internet. As far as the kids bringing friends over, they will not stay without internet.
My wife does not like it. She thinks I am wrong. The marriage counseler thinks it is a bit harsh. I don't care. It works.

Mar 05, 2011
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adult stepdaughters sleepovers
by: Anonymous

My 22 yr old stepdaughter is still in community college and works part time. She goes out partying several times a week and brings a friend home at 2:30 in the morning to sleepover. Usually they have been drinking too much.

her dad thinks there is nothing wrong this. I feel that she should grow up. am I wrong?

it is causing problems in this marriage. I have O say here. My kids are all grown and have never lived with us. his older 2 are out and his 18 yr old is here. What do you think?


Mar 02, 2011
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Adult Stepkids
by: Anonymous

Don't be a doormat. Leave.

Feb 25, 2011
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Selfish stepchildren
by: Anonymous

I think that this is always a problem with people entering relationships and marriage where there have already been children. At the moment my problem is a young male adult who will not do a thing for himself and seems hell bent in destroying his father and my relationship. His mother died many years ago. In the first instance he said to his father he liked me however I feel that this was a false statement because as he has found out I am not going to be walked over he is being the royal pain in the ass. He will not wash a dish, wash his clothes, hoover or anything but expects absolutely everything done for him.

His father is a very placid man and has spared the rod spoiled the child and basically ruined any chance of him being able to stand on his own two feet. He brings his girlfriend over to stay/sleep with him all weekend and gives us no privacy whatsoever. He is always trying to stir a problem in the background between his father and I. I love his dad but I wonder just where this is all going.

This boy does not feel he should ever work full time as he thinks he has some other goal in life.I can never see him leaving home. I have children of my own who have managed to go through their lives with the building blocks instilled in them with love and caring that they need to be able to stand on their own.I reckon that some of these stepchildren can be so manipulative and selfish and not give a damn about their parents happiness.


Jul 09, 2010
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Adult Stepchildren Won't Leave Home
by: Anonymous One

Thank you all for your comments. It gives me some degree of comfort to realize that I am not going through this alone.

My two adult stepchildren are 28 and 29 and neither is working, nor has for months, years even. The 29 year old does a bit of work (maybe a few hours a week - or more accurately - month), but it hardly pays for anything. The 28 year old hasn't worked for over 2 years. She hasn't held a job for more than a few months ever, and the shortest was just one day!

Apparently she thinks she has talent in some area, but it changes from month to month - writing a book, designing, singing, etc. Of course no results on any of these "talents", because nothing ever gets finished (I wonder if anything actually gets started as I've seen no evidence of it).

I think they both have some psychological problems from their father which has left them in desperate need of counseling but they won't get it. The 29 year old's room is a pigsty. He doesn't clear or clean up unless told to repeatedly, (either his room or anywhere else he makes a mess, like the kitchen).

He'd rather play on the computer, or go hiking etc. Of course neither pays a penny in the home, but they are only too eager to consume and take advantage of everything here.

Their mother won't "kick them out of the house". She does try to lay the law down, but they basically ignore her.

My 3 children all have decent jobs, own their own homes and have real lives. I know comparing is often wrong, but I have to wonder how my children with far less advantages than these two managed to turn out so well. (I was a single father for many years and raised my children mostly by myself.)

I love my wife and we get on well, except sometimes when it comes to her children. I have tried to explain that as their mother she is not doing them any favors in not requiring them to take responsibility for their own lives.

She is a very loving and devoted mother, and I can see how she feels, to an extent, but they do not give her, much less me, any respect at all.

I am the only one working and contributing to this household. I work hard all day and then often come home and do some stuff around the house in the evening and at weekends. I feel that I am expected to do all this so they can lie in bed most of the day.

(I was home sick recently and neither of them got up till late morning, when they could have been out there looking for work.)

I feel absolutely taken advantage of. I am thoroughly frustrated with it all. And they wonder why I am in a bad mood so often! I did get some counseling myself a few months back. It may be time to go and get some more.

Hang in there my friends. Hopefully one day all our adult step kids will grow up (emotionally) and leave the nests.

Jan 21, 2010
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Get Out
by: Anonymous

this is only going to get worse. You need to somehow stick up for yourself! You're in an intolerable situation and you may have to get yourself out. This will ruin your health, mentally and physically, your finances, etc.

Jan 20, 2010
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Welcome to the Club
by: Anonymous

My stepson is thirty. My stepdaughter is twenty. Other stepchildren are living on their own and successful. These two will not move on. Wife smothers them with love and finds no fault with them to their faces. Away from them she admits there is a problem. Neither are working or looking for work. I am retired and not at all happy.

Both have problems with the law. The boy has spent several years in prison and the girl is an alcohol abuser. she has no drivers license at this time. I might mention that both are ADHD. I have talked to them regarding the problems they are bringing to our marriage. Doesn't seem to phase them. Any suggestions ?

Jan 05, 2010
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HELP, HELP,HELP
by: Lois

MY HEART GOES OUT TO U, DON'T U WISH WE HAD THOUGHT ABOUT SOME OF THIS STUFF BEFORE WE MARRIED AGAIN. EVERYONE IS PUT IN AN UNCOMFORTABLE POSITION. I'M SURE LIKE ME HIS KIDS AREN'T REAL CRAZY ABOUT THE INFLUENCE U HAVE HAVE HAD ON THEIR DAD. YOUR HUSBAND IS IN THE MIDDLE TRYING TO BE THE PARENT HE WAS WHEN MARRIED TO THERE MOTHER OR BETTER, WHETHER GOOD OR BAD. AND YOUR IN BETWEEN HIM AND HIS KIDS. TO PUT IT SIMPLE "IT SUCKS". COUNCELING, COUNCELING COUNCELING, GET IT IT REALLY HELPS, FOR HIM TO HEAR IT FROM SOMEELSE BESIDES U, AND U MAY EVEN LEARN A THING OR TWO YOURSELF. DON'T THINK I COULD DEAL WITH THEM ALL LIVING AT HOME AND NOT WORKING, YOUR HUSBAND MUST MAKE GOOD MONEY TO SUPPORT U ALL. GOOD LUCK HONEY, YOU'LL NEED IT, BUT KNOW YOUR NOT ALONE.

Nov 29, 2009
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Emotionally dependent stepson
by: Anonymous

My problem is an emotionally dependent stepson. My husband raised the boy since he was twelve and did a very poor job of it, in my opinion. He overprotected the boy to the point that now, as a 22 year old, he cannot make the simplest decisions without consulting dear old dad.

We've been married two years, the worst year being the first year we were married because we all lived under the same roof. I will say this: the boy does hold a job, however, it has been like pulling teeth to get him to develop any sort of reason with his money, paying his own bills without being hounded, etc.

He's never had a girlfriend, has hardly any friends. Why would he? He's got daddy!

If we try to go out, the boy will call repeatedly. He comes to our house all the time, which I find intolerable. He is very difficult to be around. His "entertainment" is getting his father stirred up and angry about something, then having a laugh over it. I can't stand the boy.

I have two grown sons of my own and they have girlfriends, social lives, etc. They do not depend on me or their father for simple decisions such as what they should do for dinner, etc. I have to say that as much as I love my husband, if I would have seen this beforehand, marriage would've been out of the question.

Jul 24, 2009
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I hate my boyfriend's whole family
by: Anonymous

I have been in a relationship for the past two and a half years with a man who is 13 years older than me.

His wife left him five years ago. And he has always been the "man of the family," meaning that he takes cares of everybody in his family.
He is surrounded by freeloaders all the time.

I love him and I would be the happiest person in the world if I could make all his family or his family dynamics disappear.

Does this mean I hate him and it's easier to feel that I hate his 3 grown children and his mother and the sisters who always need him to help them?

His family has been civil to me, and I do the same, however I'm fake in terms on how I feel about them.

I have no problem calling them names when I am with other people, and I have told people in my workplace that his daughter is the mistress of a married man and she makes a living from prostitution and that his 2 sons are good as mute. When I feel bad about it, I think it's not so bad since I'm telling the truth

I am so different and was raised so far away from the type of family he has that I wonder if I can make a life with someone like this.

Apr 02, 2009
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Adult Stepson
by: Anonymous

I am having the same problems with my 24 year old stepson. At first he lived with us for 2 weeks and 2 weeks with his mum, however she got sick of him not looking for work and being home all day whilst she worked, so now he has been with me and my husband for the last year.

He still isn't looking for work, plays on the computer all day and sometimes all evening (it's our computer). He eats whatever is in the cupboards or freezer and thinks gas and electricity is free.

He has been known to go out in the day and leave the door unlocked and his room looks like a bomb site. Sometimes I think there are worse things and he doesn't bring me any trouble to the door, he is just lazy.

Why should I have worked all my life so I can own my own home (it is my house and my mortgage which I pay myself) and he can lay in bed till lunchtime and then play computer games all day. My husband never lays the law down and I am so fed up I feel like chucking them both out. So my advice would be worth nothing as I can't decide what to do myself.

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Mar 06, 2009
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IT'S TIME TO LAY THE LAW DOWN AND MEAN IT
by: Jan

I am experiencing exactly the same thing with a 23 year old stepson. He is lazy, keeps losing jobs, does nothing around the house unless forced to do so and tells me I have no right to rag on him about it.

I work all day and so does my husband and when I come home at night I want to be able to relax in a clean environment. I find myself on weekends wearing myself out trying to keep up with his messes.

I love my husband and have been with him for 19 years now. It was a second marriage for both of us. I have 3 children and he has two. All of them lived with us until grown. The problem is that I maintained rules with my children which I enforced and he would not. I have 3 successful and happily married children and he has a daughter who has been divorced twice and is only 27 and this son of his that thinks the world owes him a living.

After many atempts to get him out on my own I finally put him on a 3 month plan. That gives him plenty of time to save money, learn how to live within his means and to work on staying within the budget we set up for him. However, we are half way through the time period and he is failing miserably.

I have put my husband on notice that this is the absolute end. Come May 1, 2009 his 3 months is up and if that means he has to live in his car, so be it and I guarantee you he knows I mean business. I will literally pack his things up and throw them out into the street if he has not lived up to his contract with us.

My recommendation is to do the same for with your stepkids and let the chips fall where they may. If that means that you and I take a walk away from our marriages in order to save our sanity then so be it.

DO WHAT YOUR GUT TELLS YOU IS RIGHT FOR YOU AND THINGS WILL WORK OUT THE WAY THEY SHOULD.

Feb 12, 2009
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Who REALLY is her head......?
by: Anonymous


What I suggest is that you both FIRST get into the a book together to find the answers.....a book that you may already have in your home....the Bible.

Discover together what God had to say about the marriage relationship. Does your wife understand where she stands in a marriage? Do you understand your God-given role as the husband.

What you've described sounds like you both have the cart before the horse. None of this is popular with the feminists, but then, the Lord never did consult a feminist when He stated what is written in His word.

She needs to find out who she values the most. Does she place you above the grown children, or do you take a back seat?

On the other hand, are you loving her as you should in order for her to easily position you in the place of her life where you belong?

Many people don't like having to order their priorities as they should. Most prefer to establish a system of order that offers the least resistance to fleshly desires and actual confrontations.

If this doesn't work, then perhaps a Christian counselor may be an option for you both. Don't be afraid to cleave unto her as you have done all along. The Lord will strengthen you and give you guidance if you seek Him. The answer may take some time to materialize, but it will come.

Jan 30, 2009
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Adult StepChildren Won't Leave Home
by: Laura Ramirez

It would be one thing if your adult stepchildren valued the fact that they get to live at home, cleaned up after themselves, helped out and were actively looking for a job. Since they are just taking advantage of you and your wife, you need to take swift action or they are going to destroy your marriage.

Unfortunately, your wife is not on the same page with you. She refuses to see how she enables her grown children. Although she may tell herself she's taking care of them, she is actually crippling them by preventing them from becoming independent, responsible adults.

What I suggest to you is this:

1)Get a copy of The Us Factor, a relationship program that will teach you how to talk to your wife so she will listen. The problem you have with your adult stepchildren is only a symptom of the deeper problems you have with your wife.

2)Go through the entire program, so you can start to get clear about the problems in your marriage.

3)Find a time when you have some privacy and using the techniques that you've learned in the program, have a serious discussion with your wife. Touch her with your words like they show you in The Us Factor.

In order for your marriage to survive, your wife is going to have to let her children grow up while learning to honor you and all you bring to the marriage.

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