Its the usual crap, you know,not working and he does the absolute minimum around the home and only does anything when TOLD to, his mum quite happy to skivvy after him.He stayed in education(studying from home at the local campus - could not get away from him even then) as long as he possibly could (two degrees) and proudly announces when he has been turned down for a non-professional job vacancy that it is because "I am over qualified" - it is not my imagination that I detect a slight smirk when he says this.He spends many hours online in his room (that I recently redecorated and refurnished as a guest room - expecting him to leave home - that had "previously" been his bedroom) slowly but surely trashing it.What does he do in there??, applying for jobs online apparently according to his mother but when he is asked about these jobs the answers given are vague in the extreme. In fact anything I ask him never gets a straight answer.Yesterday afternoon when asked where he was going - a simple polite question - he said he was going out to get a haircut, the place he uses is less than a mile away.Sometime later I got a phone call from him to say that his car was broken down at a shopping mall some 20 miles away, he must have been heading there the whole time, just an example of the irritating little dishonesties that are a daily feature. I dont care what he does or where he goes really - he is an adult after all but for Gods sake how about a normal conversation. When asked where he has been he will just answer "nowhere", what have you been doing ? answer "not much" and so on, the sort of answers you might expect from a surly 15 year old - not someone in his mid twenties. I am retired and financially secure and have seriously been considering having some time out by getting an apartment on my own.You might ask why not set him up in his own place but why should I? and then there is the issues of meals and laundry. Even if he had his own place he would be over here all the time. I would be quite happy to buy him a cooker and a washing machine for his own place though!.One thing he is good at is making sure he gets plenty to eat, not so good at cleaning the oven afterwards though. I can not get his mum onside about the problem, she thinks I am just being hard.We are both strong willed and I sense there could be a serious argument and a situation would arise that could not be reversed (ie marriage over)if I push it too far. It is encouraging to know that there are many others having the same problems as me, nice to know you are not alone. I do have a plan however. I know (fingers crossed) he will eventually leave home and get his own place. I will have my revenge because when I get old I will invite myself to live with him and proceed to leave the bath dirty, the oven dirty and piles of laundry and unwashed dishes - on the bench above the dishwasher of course - and must not forget to block his car in at every opportunity...
May 03, 2011 Rating
PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN! by: Anonymous
don't you wish that EVERYONE considering marrying someone with adult children/bums would read these posts before going through with it! i have taken a stand with my stepson! it may end up killing my marriage but i refuse to allow him anymore control over MY life that he has had for the past four years!
i told my husband exactly what will and will NOT happen in our home anymore and so far, so good. the boy lives in a mobile home in the front yard and my husband is going over there rather than allowing the 23-year-old dictator to come here for visits, which end up turning into shout fests at my husband.
i agree your marriages are important! our vows are important! but so is parenting your child! what has happened to our society that we allow these kids to run our lives?!
May 03, 2011 Rating
adult stepchildren at home alone by: Anonymous
I have to be in Mystic Conn with husband this week. He told his 22 yr old daughter that he didn't want people over or hanging out at the house but of course she lies, always saying she wont be there but my son stopped over and she was there with a friend hanging out. Really ticks me off because she is such a slob and so irresponsible. I don't trust her there, but I have to swallow it because she is my husband's daughter.
May 02, 2011 Rating
Stepchildren,mother-in-law,sister-in-law and ex by: Anonymous
God help all of us, my situation is two grown adult males who are treated like they are 5 and 3 by their mother, grandmother and aunt and father they have no knowledge of being responsible and do not want any if you try to encourage any responsibility there response is "ARE YOU TRYING TO THROW ME OUT"
I WISH! and their father can't encourage this if he tries he is jumped by his ex, his mother and his sister and then all of his kids oust him and he shuts down emotionally from me until his mother starts speaking to him again.
I have been going through this for nearly a year now and one of his sons now has moved in a girlfriend and her baby which I have no say in at all my house is a mess it is a emotional roller coaster for me.
We have gone to a marriage counselor a couple of times but my husband is going because I want to not because he sees any problem. He is happy with the way things are. I have been told to get out but I believe in marriage vows and do not take them lightly I am praying for deliverance in this.
Apr 28, 2011 Rating
Adult Stepchildren Won't Leave Home by: Anonymous
My 22yr old Stepdaughter still lives at home and seems to want to forever go to school. I truly believe that she is continuing going to school because it is easier for her since her dad pays her tuition and doesn't expect anything much from her as long as she is in school. She comes and goes as she likes, her room is a disgrace all the time. My husband and I are going away next week for 4days and I hate to leave here because I know that she will have her friends over and there will be drinking and sleepovers and whatever. And believe me it doesn't matter what her dad says, she will do what she wants if we are not here. I wish she would just get her own place with her friends. I think my tension would decrease alot..Now I realize that 18yr old daughter will be here for quite awhile I'm sure. She is not that ambituous. They both have a job though. Part-time mostly. I realize it's not that bad now. It has been bad over the yrs with these two especially. Alot of things said and done that I will never get over and that is why I'm not close to these two at all anymore. Just civil.My husband says his kids can live with him as long as they want and whenever they want. That is his way.. I'm sure that if I still had my other home, a couple of my sons would probably still be living with me and I wouldn't care either,cause they still do live with my ex..and my youngest is 25 on up and I have 4 grandchildren and another on the way..I really have learned not to care much about what his kids do anymore, and quite frankly, they rarely cook anything here. The upstairs is their's pretty much, including the bathroom cause they are very slobby girls and I rarely go up there anymore.Husband tells them to keep their rooms clean and the bathroom but they don't listen and he doesn't enforce it so Oh Well!!That is why I can't wait til they move out so I can make the upstairs nice and remodel the bathroom and live out the rest of my life in peace..
Apr 28, 2011 Rating
deed to house by: Anonymous
Hi, I moved in with my husband 10yrs ago now.The deed is in his name only. I have asked him for yrs to add my name to the deed. But he hasn't done it yet. One of his arguments for this was that we were fighting a lot,usually about his daughters and he didn't feel real secure about our marriage. Well, I admit that I have been in depression since my 29yr old son died 5yrs ago in July. My husband had 4 kids. Two oldest are on their own. 22yr old daughter and 18yr old daughter live here. I had 6 kids and they have never lived with us.I think by now and all that we have been through, that I should have my name on the deed. At this point, does it really matter legally? I will probably be getting a large settlement soon, and I feel that it is only fair that I have my name on this deed, then I will feel better about doing home improvements here. Do you know what I mean? I don't know how to make this happen anymore. Any suggestions? I know that his problem is that he doesn't want me to have any power here, especially since his two daughters still live here and we don't speak to each other very much. There are some hard feelings over the years with these two.Funny cause I was really close to 22yr old before my son died,then she got an attitude and I just didn't care anymore and wanted to be left alone from all their drama. Still do...
Apr 25, 2011 Rating
emotionally dependent stepson by: Anonymous
good for you, "Jeff"! it's good to see someone on this forum who has the guts to take action and stand up to lackluster parenting and enforce rules! i am in the same position right now! i posted on this forum a year or so ago about my emotionally-dependent stepson. he was 22 at the time and is now 23. it's the same crap. he comes over here every time he feels like it and completely disrupts our household. however, i am sick of it and have began to take action. it's causing problems between his dad and i but i have decided it's worth the risk. you can let these dictator/children run your lives or you can run them! it's up to you! this man-child will call his daddy to talk and then come over here after hanging up the phone to continue the conversation! it doesn't matter what we are doing. he wants daddy focused on him and him only. if daddy tries to include me in the conversation sonny boy gets all upset. it's ridiculous for people to raise their children to think they should drop everything to attend to them! my two sons have jobs, homes, women in their lives, etc. an earlier post said they thought you weren't supposed to "compare", but i'm here to tell you that if you've done your job as a parent don't be afraid to recognize when someone HASN'T! THIS IS A WARNING TO ALL THOSE OUT THERE WHO ARE CONSIDERING MARRYING SOMEONE WITH CHILDREN - DON'T!!! if i had it to do over i would NOT have married my husband! he is a wonderful, loving man and has so much going for him. but he has raised a son who will never allow him to have a life of his own and he is not strong enough to fight him. i have started being very rude to the boy when he comes over and i've told my husband he will either do something about it or lose his wife. i hate it for my husband. he is in the middle. but he can grow old with a wife who loves and adores him or with a kid who is too selfish to want happiness for his father and a life of his own!
Apr 24, 2011 Rating
Adult Step Children living at home solution by: Jeff
I have been married to my wife for 5 years. Her 3 step children have always been a problem. They are now 24, 22, and 21. They never help out. Make messes. Don't pay their own bills. My wife loans them money that we don't have. It was up to me to set the rules. What I did was use the internet to enforce the rules. I turn the internet off (change router password). The kids care about being on the internet more than anything. I will sometimes leave it off for a day, a week etc ... depending on what was done. If one kid breaks a rule, all of the kids lose internet. As far as the kids bringing friends over, they will not stay without internet. My wife does not like it. She thinks I am wrong. The marriage counseler thinks it is a bit harsh. I don't care. It works.
Mar 05, 2011 Rating
adult stepdaughters sleepovers by: Anonymous
My 22 yr old stepdaughter is still in community college and works part time. She goes out partying several times a week and brings a friend home at 2:30 in the morning to sleepover. Usually they have been drinking too much.
her dad thinks there is nothing wrong this. I feel that she should grow up. am I wrong?
it is causing problems in this marriage. I have O say here. My kids are all grown and have never lived with us. his older 2 are out and his 18 yr old is here. What do you think?
Mar 02, 2011 Rating
Adult Stepkids by: Anonymous
Don't be a doormat. Leave.
Feb 25, 2011 Rating
Selfish stepchildren by: Anonymous
I think that this is always a problem with people entering relationships and marriage where there have already been children. At the moment my problem is a young male adult who will not do a thing for himself and seems hell bent in destroying his father and my relationship. His mother died many years ago. In the first instance he said to his father he liked me however I feel that this was a false statement because as he has found out I am not going to be walked over he is being the royal pain in the ass. He will not wash a dish, wash his clothes, hoover or anything but expects absolutely everything done for him.
His father is a very placid man and has spared the rod spoiled the child and basically ruined any chance of him being able to stand on his own two feet. He brings his girlfriend over to stay/sleep with him all weekend and gives us no privacy whatsoever. He is always trying to stir a problem in the background between his father and I. I love his dad but I wonder just where this is all going.
This boy does not feel he should ever work full time as he thinks he has some other goal in life.I can never see him leaving home. I have children of my own who have managed to go through their lives with the building blocks instilled in them with love and caring that they need to be able to stand on their own.I reckon that some of these stepchildren can be so manipulative and selfish and not give a damn about their parents happiness.
Jul 09, 2010 Rating
Adult Stepchildren Won't Leave Home by: Anonymous One
Thank you all for your comments. It gives me some degree of comfort to realize that I am not going through this alone.
My two adult stepchildren are 28 and 29 and neither is working, nor has for months, years even. The 29 year old does a bit of work (maybe a few hours a week - or more accurately - month), but it hardly pays for anything. The 28 year old hasn't worked for over 2 years. She hasn't held a job for more than a few months ever, and the shortest was just one day!
Apparently she thinks she has talent in some area, but it changes from month to month - writing a book, designing, singing, etc. Of course no results on any of these "talents", because nothing ever gets finished (I wonder if anything actually gets started as I've seen no evidence of it).
I think they both have some psychological problems from their father which has left them in desperate need of counseling but they won't get it. The 29 year old's room is a pigsty. He doesn't clear or clean up unless told to repeatedly, (either his room or anywhere else he makes a mess, like the kitchen).
He'd rather play on the computer, or go hiking etc. Of course neither pays a penny in the home, but they are only too eager to consume and take advantage of everything here.
Their mother won't "kick them out of the house". She does try to lay the law down, but they basically ignore her.
My 3 children all have decent jobs, own their own homes and have real lives. I know comparing is often wrong, but I have to wonder how my children with far less advantages than these two managed to turn out so well. (I was a single father for many years and raised my children mostly by myself.)
I love my wife and we get on well, except sometimes when it comes to her children. I have tried to explain that as their mother she is not doing them any favors in not requiring them to take responsibility for their own lives.
She is a very loving and devoted mother, and I can see how she feels, to an extent, but they do not give her, much less me, any respect at all.
I am the only one working and contributing to this household. I work hard all day and then often come home and do some stuff around the house in the evening and at weekends. I feel that I am expected to do all this so they can lie in bed most of the day.
(I was home sick recently and neither of them got up till late morning, when they could have been out there looking for work.)
I feel absolutely taken advantage of. I am thoroughly frustrated with it all. And they wonder why I am in a bad mood so often! I did get some counseling myself a few months back. It may be time to go and get some more.
Hang in there my friends. Hopefully one day all our adult step kids will grow up (emotionally) and leave the nests.
Jan 21, 2010 Rating
Get Out by: Anonymous
this is only going to get worse. You need to somehow stick up for yourself! You're in an intolerable situation and you may have to get yourself out. This will ruin your health, mentally and physically, your finances, etc.
Jan 20, 2010 Rating
Welcome to the Club by: Anonymous
My stepson is thirty. My stepdaughter is twenty. Other stepchildren are living on their own and successful. These two will not move on. Wife smothers them with love and finds no fault with them to their faces. Away from them she admits there is a problem. Neither are working or looking for work. I am retired and not at all happy.
Both have problems with the law. The boy has spent several years in prison and the girl is an alcohol abuser. she has no drivers license at this time. I might mention that both are ADHD. I have talked to them regarding the problems they are bringing to our marriage. Doesn't seem to phase them. Any suggestions ?
Jan 05, 2010 Rating
HELP, HELP,HELP by: Lois
MY HEART GOES OUT TO U, DON'T U WISH WE HAD THOUGHT ABOUT SOME OF THIS STUFF BEFORE WE MARRIED AGAIN. EVERYONE IS PUT IN AN UNCOMFORTABLE POSITION. I'M SURE LIKE ME HIS KIDS AREN'T REAL CRAZY ABOUT THE INFLUENCE U HAVE HAVE HAD ON THEIR DAD. YOUR HUSBAND IS IN THE MIDDLE TRYING TO BE THE PARENT HE WAS WHEN MARRIED TO THERE MOTHER OR BETTER, WHETHER GOOD OR BAD. AND YOUR IN BETWEEN HIM AND HIS KIDS. TO PUT IT SIMPLE "IT SUCKS". COUNCELING, COUNCELING COUNCELING, GET IT IT REALLY HELPS, FOR HIM TO HEAR IT FROM SOMEELSE BESIDES U, AND U MAY EVEN LEARN A THING OR TWO YOURSELF. DON'T THINK I COULD DEAL WITH THEM ALL LIVING AT HOME AND NOT WORKING, YOUR HUSBAND MUST MAKE GOOD MONEY TO SUPPORT U ALL. GOOD LUCK HONEY, YOU'LL NEED IT, BUT KNOW YOUR NOT ALONE.
Nov 29, 2009 Rating
Emotionally dependent stepson by: Anonymous
My problem is an emotionally dependent stepson. My husband raised the boy since he was twelve and did a very poor job of it, in my opinion. He overprotected the boy to the point that now, as a 22 year old, he cannot make the simplest decisions without consulting dear old dad.
We've been married two years, the worst year being the first year we were married because we all lived under the same roof. I will say this: the boy does hold a job, however, it has been like pulling teeth to get him to develop any sort of reason with his money, paying his own bills without being hounded, etc.
He's never had a girlfriend, has hardly any friends. Why would he? He's got daddy!
If we try to go out, the boy will call repeatedly. He comes to our house all the time, which I find intolerable. He is very difficult to be around. His "entertainment" is getting his father stirred up and angry about something, then having a laugh over it. I can't stand the boy.
I have two grown sons of my own and they have girlfriends, social lives, etc. They do not depend on me or their father for simple decisions such as what they should do for dinner, etc. I have to say that as much as I love my husband, if I would have seen this beforehand, marriage would've been out of the question.
Jul 24, 2009 Rating
I hate my boyfriend's whole family by: Anonymous
I have been in a relationship for the past two and a half years with a man who is 13 years older than me.
His wife left him five years ago. And he has always been the "man of the family," meaning that he takes cares of everybody in his family. He is surrounded by freeloaders all the time.
I love him and I would be the happiest person in the world if I could make all his family or his family dynamics disappear.
Does this mean I hate him and it's easier to feel that I hate his 3 grown children and his mother and the sisters who always need him to help them?
His family has been civil to me, and I do the same, however I'm fake in terms on how I feel about them.
I have no problem calling them names when I am with other people, and I have told people in my workplace that his daughter is the mistress of a married man and she makes a living from prostitution and that his 2 sons are good as mute. When I feel bad about it, I think it's not so bad since I'm telling the truth
I am so different and was raised so far away from the type of family he has that I wonder if I can make a life with someone like this.
Apr 02, 2009 Rating
Adult Stepson by: Anonymous
I am having the same problems with my 24 year old stepson. At first he lived with us for 2 weeks and 2 weeks with his mum, however she got sick of him not looking for work and being home all day whilst she worked, so now he has been with me and my husband for the last year.
He still isn't looking for work, plays on the computer all day and sometimes all evening (it's our computer). He eats whatever is in the cupboards or freezer and thinks gas and electricity is free.
He has been known to go out in the day and leave the door unlocked and his room looks like a bomb site. Sometimes I think there are worse things and he doesn't bring me any trouble to the door, he is just lazy.
Why should I have worked all my life so I can own my own home (it is my house and my mortgage which I pay myself) and he can lay in bed till lunchtime and then play computer games all day. My husband never lays the law down and I am so fed up I feel like chucking them both out. So my advice would be worth nothing as I can't decide what to do myself.
I am experiencing exactly the same thing with a 23 year old stepson. He is lazy, keeps losing jobs, does nothing around the house unless forced to do so and tells me I have no right to rag on him about it.
I work all day and so does my husband and when I come home at night I want to be able to relax in a clean environment. I find myself on weekends wearing myself out trying to keep up with his messes.
I love my husband and have been with him for 19 years now. It was a second marriage for both of us. I have 3 children and he has two. All of them lived with us until grown. The problem is that I maintained rules with my children which I enforced and he would not. I have 3 successful and happily married children and he has a daughter who has been divorced twice and is only 27 and this son of his that thinks the world owes him a living.
After many atempts to get him out on my own I finally put him on a 3 month plan. That gives him plenty of time to save money, learn how to live within his means and to work on staying within the budget we set up for him. However, we are half way through the time period and he is failing miserably.
I have put my husband on notice that this is the absolute end. Come May 1, 2009 his 3 months is up and if that means he has to live in his car, so be it and I guarantee you he knows I mean business. I will literally pack his things up and throw them out into the street if he has not lived up to his contract with us.
My recommendation is to do the same for with your stepkids and let the chips fall where they may. If that means that you and I take a walk away from our marriages in order to save our sanity then so be it.
DO WHAT YOUR GUT TELLS YOU IS RIGHT FOR YOU AND THINGS WILL WORK OUT THE WAY THEY SHOULD.
Feb 12, 2009 Rating
Who REALLY is her head......? by: Anonymous
What I suggest is that you both FIRST get into the a book together to find the answers.....a book that you may already have in your home....the Bible.
Discover together what God had to say about the marriage relationship. Does your wife understand where she stands in a marriage? Do you understand your God-given role as the husband.
What you've described sounds like you both have the cart before the horse. None of this is popular with the feminists, but then, the Lord never did consult a feminist when He stated what is written in His word.
She needs to find out who she values the most. Does she place you above the grown children, or do you take a back seat?
On the other hand, are you loving her as you should in order for her to easily position you in the place of her life where you belong?
Many people don't like having to order their priorities as they should. Most prefer to establish a system of order that offers the least resistance to fleshly desires and actual confrontations.
If this doesn't work, then perhaps a Christian counselor may be an option for you both. Don't be afraid to cleave unto her as you have done all along. The Lord will strengthen you and give you guidance if you seek Him. The answer may take some time to materialize, but it will come.
Jan 30, 2009 Rating
Adult StepChildren Won't Leave Home by: Laura Ramirez
It would be one thing if your adult stepchildren valued the fact that they get to live at home, cleaned up after themselves, helped out and were actively looking for a job. Since they are just taking advantage of you and your wife, you need to take swift action or they are going to destroy your marriage.
Unfortunately, your wife is not on the same page with you. She refuses to see how she enables her grown children. Although she may tell herself she's taking care of them, she is actually crippling them by preventing them from becoming independent, responsible adults.
What I suggest to you is this:
1)Get a copy of The Us Factor, a relationship program that will teach you how to talk to your wife so she will listen. The problem you have with your adult stepchildren is only a symptom of the deeper problems you have with your wife.
2)Go through the entire program, so you can start to get clear about the problems in your marriage.
3)Find a time when you have some privacy and using the techniques that you've learned in the program, have a serious discussion with your wife. Touch her with your words like they show you in The Us Factor.
In order for your marriage to survive, your wife is going to have to let her children grow up while learning to honor you and all you bring to the marriage.
