Abusive Father - A Letter to the Father I Never Had - Reflections on Child Incest
Publisher's Note: This story about an abusive father was submitted by an adult woman who prefers to remain anonymous and is reflecting on the devastating effects of child incest
and its lasting impact on her life, even as an adult.
Since this content may be disturbing to some, if you are sensitive, you might want to make sure that other caring adults are present when you read it. Feel free to link to this piece from your blog or web site to share it with others.
The Little Girl and the Father That Never Was
Once upon a time there was a little girl, who the apple of her father’s eye. She was his favorite, the good little girl, the oldest, well behaved and most responsible of his four children.
She had to be the best and the perfect one, because after all she was told day after day that she was precious and deeply loved by this so called father and that he would die without her.
And so to please him she was dutiful and allowed him to use her for his pleasure. Whenever he was angry or mad at his wife or others in his life, he would turn to her for comfort, because after all she was the “good” one who loved him unconditionally.
And so she became his “significant other,” the one he could receive comfort and pleasure from through touching and fondling. She would crawl up into his lap whenever he seemed sad or upset and as he put his hand down her pants and he would stroke her and tell her again how important she was to him.
Whenever the good little girl witnessed some random act of violence against others in her family, she felt terrified and wanted to run to their defense to quiet the angry beast within her so called father. But instead she ran and hid feeling terribly guilty for not being able to do more. She thought herself a coward for being glad it was not her on the receiving end of his wrath.
After each violent episode ended, the little girl would appear from her hiding place and try to comfort her so called father so that the others would be safe. And so the cycle continued year after year.
Whenever this so called father was unhappy with his wife, he would crawl into the little girl’s bed late at night and use her for his pleasure to comfort himself. Because after all, he knew she would always be there to love him unconditionally. She would never reject his unwanted touch because she was afraid to upset him.
And whenever her so called mother went out of town to visit family, the little girl had to take her place in his bed, because after all the so called father couldn’t sleep alone! No matter how the little girl felt, she knew there would be no one to hear her pain or to comfort her when she was afraid.
And so the years passed and the little girl grew into a young lady. With each passing year the little girl felt smaller and smaller while the walls to her feelings grew thicker and thicker until she couldn’t feel much of anything at all.
So to survive, the little girl created an imaginary life for herself, a life where everything was even and peaceful. She continued to seek the approval and affection from her so called father and threw herself into her life’s work being the best at everything she did.
As the years began to fly by life became harder and harder. The joy that she had once felt disappeared and she felt her life slipping away. This terrified the little girl because she had lost the ability to control her emotions and stay even and safe.
Finally she could take it no more and had to face the truth about the evil within her so called father. She realized that he couldn’t have really loved her at all and she had sacrificed her childhood and life, a life she could never get back.
And so to survive and begin to live and reclaim feelings that had been lost. To do this she had to break all communication with this so called father and see him for the person he was and still is.
He was never a father, not to her or to any of his children. He did not deserve to have had this precious little girl in his life nor did the little girl deserve what was done to her by him!
All the little girl could do was to try and go on and live a new life, one that was hers and not someone else’s. And so her journey began and with each painful step she moved closer towards a life with meaning, a life worth living.
How did this piece about an incestuous, abusive father make you feel. Share your comments and stories by clicking on child incest.
Read the companion piece on mother abandonment: The Mother I Never Had.
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