I am 44 years old. My father sexually abused me and my childhood was destroyed. My whole life I have been ridiculed and further abused. There was more rapes, countless re enactments of abuse, prostitution and I remained outcast and despised by all who knew me because I was so messed up.
I drank and I did drugs and I smoked cigarettes until I thought I was going to burn my own heart out. In all of my time with doctors and therapists I have only just found one doctor who truly sees me and has respect for me.
I have given up all of the bad habits and have been in almost constant crisis for the last five years. Counsel tells me to practice all of these therapies that I have no faith in to better my situation as I already practice careful thought and mindfulness etc, etc, etc!!! I have read so many books and chased up so many therapies that have helped me to live in my head. That is why I am still alive and have not killed myself. I mean who can stand overwhelming inappropriate, inescapable grief over and over again without having the right strategies? I have written about my past and detailed the worst of it yet my body is still a seething reservoir of grief that keeps me now confined to my very small life and my small house.
I am isolated. My family have blamed me for my father's crime and I have only a couple of people I can rely on as friends. Friends who have a limited understanding of what I have to live with. Friends I keep at a distance
in a way because it is not healthy for them to get involved with me and any of the acting outs I'd have with them if I were not careful.
I left my home town to get away from the triggers that were everywhere but in my misery made hundreds of bad memories here where I came to escape. People generally stigmatize people who can't stop crying about what makes no sense to others. Society seems to dump on me. I will not be believed when I swear that their remedies are beyond their usefulness to me.
I am traumatised by my own incessent trauma that has plagued me my whole life. I am sad to search the net and find only the answers that fall like an insult to me. I am still alone. I am still ostracized and I will still be told my truth can't possibly be right. Those in power will need to discredit me for my view. Those in power will take away my voice if I were to tell them their treatment is nonsense to me. I would be called insubordinate and willful at my own illness.
This is as traumatising as being told I lied about what my father did to me and people are too caught up in their own beliefs to dare question the remedies that do not have any use for me. The only shield I have is medication and determination to speak out about the disgusting, debilitating, damage caused by incest and a family that love the abuser and hate the victim. It can not be forgotten that there is a society ready to heap on more harm to people like me.